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Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse
Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 10:14am
When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.
In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.
Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.
Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.
In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:
• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.
• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.
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Where Do You Draw the Line, Call It Quits? Cheating? Abuse?
Posted to House Bloggers by Megan Thomas on Tue, 12/30/2008 - 12:14pm
My neighbor and I were talking about our perplexing positions in life. We are both in the same boat, contemplating divorce for a couple of years now with young children involved. She revealed to me that her husband had been physically abusive to her a few times throughout the marriage and that he continues to verbally assault her in front of her kids on an almost daily basis.
When I told her that I think my husband may be either cheating on me or planning on cheating on me, she said, "Oh, that's where I draw the line. If he cheats on me, I'm out of here."
This got me thinking about the different thresholds we all have as women. Before I was married I always assumed that my threshold would be "If I'm unhappy in my marriage, I'm out of here." After we were married and we had kids my threshold evolved into something like, "If he ever lays a hand on me in violence, or becomes verbally abusive, or cheats on me, then I'm out of here."
I would assume that most women in my position have similar thresholds, but talking to my neighbor (who has been married longer than I have), butapparently it's completely possible to have the threshold pushed further to "If he cheats on me I'm out of here, but everything else is just annoying."
Why do we allow the threshold to change?
It's almost as if we are numbed by situations as they come. My neighbor is pretty numb to her husband's verbal abuse. I'm pretty numb to the way my husband twists everything into being my fault, and I'm afraid I'm completely capable of becoming numb to worse things.
read more »My Husband Could Be Cheating, And I Can't Say a Word
Posted to House Bloggers by Megan Thomas on Tue, 12/23/2008 - 2:00pm
I'm probably a really big idiot. You know how some women are completely blindsided when they find out their husbands are cheating? They never saw the signs and then one day something abruptly happens and husband's escapades are revealed while the wife stands there befuddled and betrayed.
I'm in a different situation: The signs are there that my husband may be straying — or thinking of straying — but I can't believe that it's actually happening. I just think I'm paranoid or hyper-vigilant. You tell me if this sounds off to you.
I planned a trip a couple of hours away for the kids and me to go visit some friends for two days while my husband stayed home. (He had to work.) Our babysitter (an adult woman) asked me what night I was leaving, and I told her Wednesday. She then turns to my husband and asks if she can swing by Wednesday night so he can help her with her college homework. He says sure, and I start to think about how the situation could be potentially inappropriate but then I bury the feeling because, after all, we're trying to save our marriage.
Halfway through the week I get a text from our sitter. Have I left yet? I reply that we hadn't left yet, and the unease comes back. I bury it again because, after all, why would my husband cheat on me when he's begged me to stay?
The kids and I wind up changing our plans to leave a day later because of the weather, which means I would be home for the homework session. An hour or two before our sitter is supposed to come over, my husband nonchalantly mentions that she cancelled because she figured her homework out all by herself. I raise my eyebrow, he explodes at me and says I don't trust him, and it all turns into a fight where I wind up apologizing.
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Couple Divorces Over Online Cheating
Man hires escort, cheats in Second Life online game
Posted to Relevant News by Maureen Dempsey on Thu, 11/13/2008 - 4:00pm
A UK couple has split due to unreasonable behavior. The "behavior" in question? Having sex and extramarital affairs via online virtual-world game Second Life, reports Sky News.
Twenty-eight-year-old Amy Taylor met David Pollard in an Internet chat room a few years back. After six months exchanging emails, photos, and phone calls, she moved in with him. Three months later, she caught Pollard having sex with an escort — in Second Life.
Taylor was outraged, but Pollard promised to straighten up. The two married, and even had a ceremony in Second Life. (Wow.) Unfortunately, Pollard returned to his wayward ways-or at least his online character did.
Taylor once again found Pollard's character in a compromising position. This time, snuggled on a sofa with an American woman. (Um, at least he didn't hire an escort this time? No. It's no better!)
That's when Pollard revealed he had feelings for the other woman. After two weeks of corresponding with the American, Pollard said things were over with Taylor. And get this: Pollard and his new lady-friend are engaged! (Reminder: They've never met in real life.)
But don't worry, Taylor landed on her feet. After filing for divorce (apparently the second Second Life divorce case in one week), she's involved with a man she met while playing online game World of Warcraft.
How to Catch a Cheating Husband
Posted to Resource Articles by Jill Brooke on Fri, 11/07/2008 - 9:52am
Is hubby suddenly logging on to classmates.com and talking about the good old days when he was a high school basketball star? Perhaps he’s taking up running, or he’s running to the gym to work on his abs and pecs?
Is he donning black leather jackets instead of Brooks Brothers? Is he spending more time in the bathroom than you do, and using more products?
Hmmm. He may be going through a mid-life crisis, but more likely he's doing the hanky panky with someone else.
The American psychic Edward Cayce said that intuition is knowledge from an unknown source that is usually true. As we all know, a woman's intuition is usually spot-on — especially when it comes to whether her guy is straying. However, the desire to avoid divorce puts us in a state of denial.
But, girlfriends, better to know the truth. That way you can come from a position of power in confronting the problem and solving it. With your interests in mind, we asked Danine Manette, the author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity, what 15 signs to look for if you suspect your mate is making out with someone else.
1. Do his friends' wives give you a pitiful, sympathetic look without saying anything?
2. Does he work more overtime, but still never have any money?
3. Does your mate have some new activity that occurs on the same night every week, and to which you are not invited?
4. Does he answer you promptly when you ask where he's been or does he hesitate before replying?
5. Has he suddenly begun carrying gum or breath mints?
6. Is he experiencing a sudden unexplained interest in changing his hairstyle and general appearance?
7. Has he started leaving his cell phone in his car at night, “to charge”?
read more »Taiwan Considers Legalizing Adultery
Posted to Relevant News by Maureen Dempsey on Thu, 11/06/2008 - 11:40am
Several women's rights groups gathered in Taipei to discuss dropping adultery from the country's list of criminal offenses, reported The Taipei Times.
One might assume that the women's rights groups opposed the motion to make adultery legal. Think again. Although not the strongest arguments, Yu Mei-nu, the founder of one group said viewing adultery as a crime:
"may actually hurt the victim." She explained that in practice, the accuser must gather enough evidence to prove a case..."If you can't catch them red-handed, the ‘victim' trying to gather evidence may be sued for intrusion," she said.
(I don't know about you, but I'd risk a lawsuit to catch my husband in the act.)
Mei-nu added:
"The purpose of making adultery a crime is to protect the integrity of a family - but can a family still be harmonious after the married couple sues each other for adultery?"
Um, true, but can a couple be harmonious after one has betrayed their marital vows, either?
Another speaker argued that wives who attempt to gather evidence on cheating husbands can currently enlist the help of the police. Knock adultery off the crime list, and those women have fewer resources.
Finally, someone's making some sense here. Although, like we've said before, cultures vary vastly in perspective and pragmatics. Perhaps Taipei's society could benefit from a governmental change.
What do you think? Should adultery remain a criminal offense? Tell us below.
Genders Divided on Emotional Infidelity
Posted to Relevant News by Maureen Dempsey on Mon, 11/03/2008 - 1:14pm
We all know that physical infidelity is wrong. Whether you blame it on genetics or lack of control, both men and women agree that having sex outside the marriage isn't okay.
Emotional infidelity, however, is another matter. According to ScienceDaily.com, researchers in Ireland have found a difference of opinion when it comes to Internet flirtation and cheating.
According to the study, men perceived physical infidelity as more upsetting, while women were more upset by emotional infidelity.
What, you may ask, is emotional infidelity? Any online relationships or acts, including cybersex. It may be easier than you think to get wrapped up in a virtual love affair.
Can't say the results are too surprising, but an interesting confirmation of what we already suspected. How many wives are or have been suspicious of their husbands' online activity? Turns out, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Perhaps those husbands should be more careful where they point and click.
Sex: I Need Less Talk, More Action
(check out my blog every Wednesday and Saturday)
Posted to House Bloggers by Maya Halpen on Wed, 10/15/2008 - 12:18pm
Knowing I'm running the risk of harping about my sex dry spell too much, I've decided not to write about it again until something gives. That is, starting right after this post — I just couldn't shut it down without passing along these nuggets of hilarious wisdom from a couple of good friends!
One says regular sex is like going to the gym: You know it's good for you, you should go, you always like it when you get there, and you feel great afterward. It just takes a lot of effort to get out the door...particularly if you haven't been there in a while.
Another points out: "There are so many external and internal expectations about sex that can doom it. Why can't we just unscrew our heads and screw!"
Ah, friends. The best ones know when (and about what!) we could use a chuckle.
Rob is away tonight. He's undergoing a sleep study in hopes of uncovering why he wakes so abruptly in fear at night. Poor guy, he's probably sick in the head from lack of sex!
Which reminds me: A reader asked what, when many men would go elsewhere for what they aren't getting, is Rob's deal? How can he manage to go so long without it? I've imagined the worse: he's getting it elsewhere (highly unlikely), prefers internet porn (could be), prefers MEN (I won't lie — it has occurred to me). I've asked him point blank, but he's infuriatingly evasive.
Okay, lots more to figure out, but no more writing about sex until I've had some!
Too Many "Unhappy" Birthdays; This One's Going To Be Different
(check out my blog every Monday and Thursday)
Posted to House Bloggers by Faith Eggers on Mon, 10/13/2008 - 12:00pm
My birthday is Sunday. Although I won't say how old I'm going to be, I will say that I'm not quite 30, but it's getting pretty damn close. I know it may sound silly, but the 30 mark is really freaking me out. I want to have accomplished something great by the time I reach that milestone.
Some of you may remember that for my birthday last year, I got to go to family court. What a joy.
The year before that, I had to practically beg my husband to celebrate with me. I recall him saying that he had a lot of work to do, and wasn't sure he could be home. I remember watching him outside, from our kitchen window, pace back and forth on the porch, talking on the phone. I remember when he came back inside and told me that he had "worked it out" so that he could stay with me.
Apparently, "stay with me" meant make me dinner and then leave.
It wasn't until months later that I found out the truth. There was no work, there was no working anything out. Levi was seeing another woman. Levi went to be with another woman...on my birthday.
So, the last bunch of birthdays have been pretty crappy.
I'd almost like to just let this one pass by quietly. Stay home, snuggle in and watch Desperate Housewives. My friends don't want to let that happen.
And the truth is, I don't really want that to happen either.
So, here's to a new year of Faith, literally and figuratively. Here's to better birthdays. Now that I think of it, I really do have a lot to celebrate!
