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TechnoratiLet's be honest: In an act of "momentary insanity," which of these "might" you have done to your ex out of anger or revenge?
Posted Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - 11:18amWhat impact has the current economic climate had on your decision to divorce?
Posted Monday, October 6, 2008 - 4:42pm
Divorcing Man Wants Kidney Back, Ex-Wife Resorts to "Spy Bear"
Pain of divorce often leads to rash actions
Posted to Relevant News by Jill Brooke on Thu, 01/08/2009 - 11:57am
Because pain makes you self-centered, we have divorce stories where a man wants his kidney back from his soon-to-be ex-wife and an ex-wife spikes her daughter’s teddy bear with a listening device to spy on her ex-husband.
Yes, folks, this is the reality of what happens in divorce — but not often to this extreme. While the media is delighting in these tantalizing morally depraved morsels of family splits and fits, and many divorced parents can privately say, “Well, I wasn’t that bad,” — these stories do serve the purpose of being a cautionary tale.
Having counseled divorcing couples, I try to remind people that the injustice of a divorce is that you are required to muster the strength to be a mature adult at a time when your impulses regress to wanting to be childlike and vindictive. It is why counselors — the good ones — make feuding parents put a picture of their children on the table so they can see what is at stake during the negotiations. There has to be a blinking light that switches on in your head reminding you that you will not make the best decision because of the stresses you’re under and to proceed with caution.
It is also why I repeat the mantra to one and all that you have to love your children more than you hate your spouse
As my friend Dr. Mark Banschick, the creator of the Intelligent Divorce course says, betrayal can blind you and turn normally nice people into thoughtless monsters.
Therefore we have these two stories.
In New York, Dr. Richard Batista, gave one of his kidneys to his ailing wife Dawnell while they were married. Now getting divorced — over her alleged affair with her physical therapist — the Long Island surgeon wants his kidney back, or more precisely, is demanding $1.5 million in compensation for what the organ is worth.
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Focusing On What I Have (Rather Than What I'm Missing)
(check out my blog every Wednesday)
Posted to House Bloggers by Maya Halpen on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 10:55am
"Love actually is...all around." When Hugh Grant's character narrates the opening of the movie Love Actually, he admits love — the love in evidence at the arrivals gate of Heathrow Airport — is not particularly dignified. It's awkward and pedestrian. But it's pervasive.
Shot after shot of homecomings and reunions reveal something profound in everyday love. Siblings, grandparents and their children, and old friends reach out for each other, smiling and crying. They hold each other dearly.
By nature love is exponential. It multiplies to the beat of a steady drum. It keeps families together, protects us, and makes the world go round. It is quiet and vital.
Love actually is also...terribly hard work. Things get in the way — like thinking love should move me and elevate me to star status. For years I suffered under the girlish delusion that love means having it all — drama, attention, and romance. Even older and wiser I haven't truly let go of what I think love should be long enough to see what love is.
Instead, in my head I created the perfect man by adding bits and pieces of memory to a smattering of emails from a former beau halfway around the world. I haven't seen him in 15 years, but on the skeleton of a boy I once knew, my imagination draped all sort of grown-up traits, creating a man who would put me first, would match my intellectual curiosity, and who would attract me and play with me exactly how I wanted him to.
But that man didn't really exist. And as I dreamed of him, of how being with him would change my life, I missed out on what I already had: Rob. He's imperfect, unspectacular. To be sure, ours is no dramatic romance. But it's comforting.
Love actually is...all around. But we must wake up — grow up — to see it.
Create A Post-Divorce Recovery Plan
Posted to Resource Articles by Kim Olver on Wed, 01/07/2009 - 10:48am
Dr. Seuss once said: "Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." The beloved children's author never turned his wit and whimsy to the subjects of marriage or breakups. Yet these wise words can easily be applied to divorce.
Divorce hurts. But your pain doesn't have to destroy you. Make a conscious choice each day — and for awhile it may take near-constant reminders — not to be bitter about the end of the marriage.
Believe it or not, every event in your life is balanced with pain and joy. There is another side to your divorce. You just need to put on a different set of lenses and find the gift. Ask yourself:
•What can I do now that I couldn't do before?
•What are the things I no longer have to do?
•What do I have that I didn't have before?
•What can I finally let go of?
•How can I be different now, in a positive way?
Once you recognize the benefits of your divorce, you are well on your way to moving on. What follows is a step-by-step recovery plan. Here's what you can do:
Don't be a victim. Recognize denial, anger, desperation, depression as natural and take control of your new life. He may have tried to poison your life, but make sure you don't add to it. The only person's behavior you can control is your own. You are not a victim of your emotions, your past, your husband, this divorce or your choices. You can control what you do in this present moment.
Cherish your memories. Be grateful. Find a way to appreciate and cherish the marriage you had. Maybe it produced wonderful children. Maybe it helped you become a stronger person or showed you your potential. Be happy for the time you had but know it is now a new chapter. New adventure awaits you.
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New Year, New Hope
(check out my blog every Monday)
Posted to House Bloggers by Faith Eggers on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 10:37am
For as many years as I can remember New Year's Eve has been an evening of excitement, good times, laughter, and anticipation for me. Ranging from small to large get-togethers with good friends to standing in Times Square, shivering and waiting for the ball to drop, it's always been a joy. I can remember that feeling of newness and starting fresh surging through me for weeks after New Year's Day.
This year however, was different. In all honesty, it just kind of snuck up on me. And, with Adrian's birthday, the anticipation and stress of Christmas, and the subsequent sigh of relief after it was all over, it's no wonder New Years wasn't doing much for me this year.
I had to work on New Year's Day, so going out the night before wasn't the most realistic of options anyway, but as it turns out, even if I had wanted to go out, babysitters charge a fortune on New Year's Eve. It just wasn't worth it to me.
My best friend is also a single mom. "What are you doing New Year's Eve?" she asked me. "Nothing." I replied.
She wasn't doing anything either, so she invited us to her house for dinner and suggested that we could watch the ball drop on TV that night.
So, that's what we did. It was a windy, freezing cold night in New York on New Year's Eve. We went over to Rachel's house and had a fabulous dinner. Adrian played for a few hours and was the first to conk out around nine. Then Rachel and I then climbed into her comfy bed and popped in a Desperate Housewives DVD (I'm getting all of my friends hooked on that show) with plans to turn off the DVD and switch to the Times Square coverage a few minutes before midnight. We were both asleep before the first episode was over.
I slept, for a solid eleven hours for the first time since Adrian has been born. I awoke feeling rested in a way that I never thought I could feel again. A new, rested, ready-to-go me in time for the New Year.
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Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse
Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 10:14am
When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.
In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.
Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.
Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.
In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:
• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.
• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.
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