Rise to the Challenge When Your Ex Won't Play Nice

Rise to the Challenge When Your Ex Won't Play Nice

Posted to Resource Articles by Laura Campbell on Tue, 05/04/2010 - 7:11am

So, are you ever faced with challenges?

I thought so!!!

When you go through divorce, and especially when you have children, there can be ongoing challenges with having a relationship and partnership with your Ex (and possibly family) that you no longer wish to spend time with. It is normal and natural to have conflict.

However, it is how you approach the conflict and challenges that begins to create new patterns in your life and allows you to BE the kind of woman, mother and role model that you CHOOSE to be!

When I got divorced, I knew in my head and heart what I wanted to create with my Ex as a new partnership and co-parenting relationship. I knew that I wanted to remember that the children were most important and that we would work together to support our children and create the kind of relationship that would cause them the least amount of pain.

What I hadn’t thought so clearly about was what would happen if he lost sight of our commitment. What would happen if he chose to act in a way that would no longer honor the intentions that we set.

And that is exactly what happened.

It happened for many reasons but the bottom line is that my son’s Bar Mitzvah was the first truly significant event that forced me to face a situation where he and I approached our son’s milestone in completely opposite ways.

His approach was that this was about he and I, and our differences and areas of tension and conflict. That it was about Power and Control.

I approached this as being about our son and that all else could be worked out.

As I learned a long time ago, you can only control what is within your control. And his words, actions and choices were not within my control.

So, I offered lots and lots of possible solutions, each one focused on what was in the best interest of my son. Knowing that time, talent and treasure are all valuable in their own ways, I tried to come up with solutions that would allow us to compromise on all of these. None of the solutions were acceptable so with no other choice, I was forced to accept that we were going our separate ways. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I was sad.

I was disappointed.

I was frustrated.

So, I got clear.

I got clear about what I wanted the experience to be like with my son, family and friends.

I got clear about what I could offer and provide.

I got clear on how I truly felt and how I wanted to look in my children’s eyes.

I got clear about what I wanted my son’s Bar Mitzvah celebration to look and feel like.

And then I decided to honor this clarity.

I shared it with my kids.

I let them know my vision for this wonderful celebration.

I let them know about the decisions that were being made…with and without me.

I let them know that there were decisions that I did not agree with or want, and that I had tried to create solutions.

I let them know that I honor and respect their father and stepmother, and that my choice would have been to collaborate, but that I could only control me.

I let my family know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

I let my friends know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

And I watched my children’s disappointment and frustration slowly turn into confidence that we were a team and that they could count on me to make sure that this was about them. That I would never create tension and conflict but that I could not always prevent it either.

I moved forward and planned a celebration that was child focused and that honored their father and the choices he had made….even if it was not what I wanted or in the spirit of collaboration.

I watched their father make decisions that attempted to hurt me, but in trying to hurt me, hurt my kids.

They watched me….closely. To see what I would do and if I would retaliate. If I would make vengeful decisions and react out of anger. But I did not. I stayed focused on what I wanted to create with them. And I was honest and authentic with them.

And they were upset by his actions and disappointed in his choices. The three of us began amazing and open conversations…sharing our feelings and our options. We learned from each other and we grew together.

This past weekend was incredible.

Yes, there was some tension.

Yes, it was not perfect.

But, my son enjoyed every minute of the weekend!!

I was not part of his father’s celebrations as I was not invited. And his father did not accept my invitation to join mine. Regardless, I gave my son permission to enjoy and embrace all of the events that we each created.

My kids, family, friends and community recognize that my Ex acted in a way that was not nice and that focused on his needs rather than those of his son, but that was not the goal.

The goal was to create an experience that honored and celebrated my son….an experience that had been my vision.

• As you face your own conflicts and challenges, how do you want to move forward?

• How do you want to look in the eyes of your children, family, friends…?

• What is it that you want to create? What are you willing to do to manifest that vision?

When we honor our truth and stay focused on what matters most to us, we are then able to be free to create the life that we imagine and deserve.