Is Every Celebrity Divorce Really "Amicable"?

Is Every Celebrity Divorce Really "Amicable"?

CSI's Marg Helgenberger is most recent example

There were no tantrums when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston. Not a scream nor a shout was uttered when Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid went their separate ways after their nine-year marriage. And did that glutinous mixture of tears and snot (what I call “the breakup blend”) dribble down Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’s cheeks when she and John Stamos finally called it quits? 

Why of course not.

That’s because they’re all celebrities.  And as we all know, every celebrity split is an “amicable split”.  

You see, despite what Us Magazine proffers each week, celebrities are not “just like us” (mind you, as a professional journalist, I’m only aware of this tabloid feature via hearsay; my bedside table is too cluttered with the works of Noam Chomsky and Leo Tolstoy to accommodate such gossipy drivel).  Sure, celebrities walk down the sidewalk sipping Starbucks just like us.  And they wear iPods during their workouts just like us. But when it comes to break-ups, celebrities are very not like us.

They split “amicably”.  Or so their official announcements always seem to tell us:

“Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely,” Peaches Geldof announced recently after her split from Max Drummey. And she added that this came after “much soul-searching” — though apparently not more than 186 days, which is how long the marriage lasted.

This week, CSI star Marg Helgenberger filed for divorce from her husband Alan Rosenberg (also an actor). When the couple first separated last year, Helgenberger’s publicist said: "After 19 years of marriage, Marg and Alan have decided to take some time apart … They love and respect each other and remain committed to their family." Wow. Sounds more like a renewal of vows than a separation. I can’t believe they called it quits!

But my favorite announcement is the one released by Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills in 2006: "Our parting is amicable and both of us still care about each other very much."  They then proceeded to prove that none of the above was even remotely true.   

Now I don’t blame celebrities themselves for this ridiculous charade.  If my bedside Collected Works of Eric Voegelin has taught me anything, it’s that celebrities don’t actually write their own divorce announcements and press releases. 

It’s the publicists, stupid.    

And for the publicists, I have plenty of blame. I know that a publicist’s job is not to merely publicize the details of his/her client; it’s to provide a positive spin—one that will ensure the client continues to demand top dollar (and provide top commission to said publicist). But would any of us really suspend our adoration if we thought our favorite star had a bonafide spat with his lover? Would we Frisbee-toss our favorite DVDs out the window because the actress playing the quirky waitress who finds true love actually suffered terrible heartache?  Would we stop listening to our most beloved crooners if we heard they never wanted to see their cheating exes again?

I, for one, prefer my celebrities with a little humanity, a little imperfection, a little hair on their chests, so to speak. While I’m glad it wasn’t me Russell Crowe threw a phone at, I find myself more intrigued by him because of his angry outburst. I don’t adore Robert Downey Jr. despite his struggles with drugs, I adore him more because he struggled with and eventually overcame drugs. And I don’t think I’d find Madonna nearly as sexy if she had retired to the suburbs with Sean Penn in monogamous bliss, resurfacing every few years with a new song about how darn great it is to nibble on freshly-baked croissants in bed every morning with such a charming man.   

I say it’s time the publicists treated us like the adults we are: Adults who understand the emotions and complications of divorce. We know how hard breakin’ up can be. And frankly, we ain’t buyin’ the notion that celebrities stop to shake hands before walking out of each others’ lives, perfectly comfortable with bumping into each other at the Oscars, the Emmys, or the local Denny’s (yes, celebrities eat at Denny’s. Remember, they’re just like us).

I am therefore offering a formal challenge to celebrity publicists: Write a break-up announcement that is 100 percent honest. I know you can do it. Yes, it will seem all funny at first, because it goes completely against your training – sort of like peeing while standing up (women) or not peeing in the shower (men). But imagine the thrill and gratification of going against the grain, and breaking new and exciting ground!  

Here’s an example of what I’d like to see:

We are not particularly saddened to announce that Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from her husband of… well, since she broke up with the last one.  The split was not mutual, nor was it amicable. In fact, What’s-his-Name apparently slept with Pamela’s best friend, and when Pamela found out, she totally went bonkers, driving all over town until she found his BMW, at which point she scrawled an obscenity on his door with a screwdriver.  They no longer care about each other at all, nor each other’s children. During this difficult period of public intoxication and revenge sex, they ask that you respect their privacy, but as far as we’re concerned, go for it!


Justin Marshall is a FWW editor and a happily unmarried male with more “unamicable” splits than he cares to admit.