http://www.firstwivesworld.com Comments for "Forum topic" en http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/wanted-online-dating-advice#comment-6512 I've tried two sites: eHarmony and Jdate.com. I am in my early thirties, decent looking and relatively confident. I found that most guys - no matter the site - are just interested in casual dating and not much more. They don't spend that much time reading women's profiles and are instead just looking at your photo, so don't be surprised if a guy asks you out and then confuses you with another woman he's been communicating with. While some people have found that men lie about their looks, age or economic status, I haven't found that be true. While I've not had much luck, this experience has allowed me to at least put myself out there on my terms and test the dating waters. I don't know that I'll find Mr. Right this way, but the experience will certainly make me more appreciative when he does come along. Good luck! Sun, 02 Nov 2008 01:33:45 -0400 Guest comment 6512 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/it-too-early-change#comment-6027 I think no matter if you are going through a divorce or have been divorced you should listen to your gut. Hell had I listened to mine I would have never gotten married in the first place. hehehe Just believe in yourself and go for whatever you think will forward you on your path. I believe deep down inside we know the right thing whether we listen to it at times or not and even if we falter at times so what? That is life you pick up and get on with it and learn something about yourself and the world. Good luck to you sister! Fri, 12 Sep 2008 11:27:51 -0400 energizerbunny comment 6027 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/caught-in-a-lie#comment-6026 I give kudos to you first of all for being able to openly admit you lied. Just about every woman I know has lied to their partner about this so your not alone I have as well. Even though we live in a more open society these days than in past there is still is a stigma that if men sleep around they are "cool playboy studs" and women are labeled "promisicuous." The virginal thing is still kind of ingrained in many of us I think especially coming from a once puritan society. So it is understandable why women lie on this subject especially after what he said to you when you were honest with him. I find sometimes the truth on that subject is a whole lot worse like when my ex husband proclaimed to my children that his new wife was a virgin! He was just so proud of that fact.! It was no wonder to me why I lied about how many partners I had been with. I think in the long run it is best to be honest with your partner because if they can't accept you for who you are and everything that goes along with that than it just isn't unconditional love in the first place. Fri, 12 Sep 2008 11:17:06 -0400 energizerbunny comment 6026 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-5686 in the last 2 years i went thru the divorce of my 26 marriage,breast cancer and a heart attack.Ive survived all of this, but the lingering emotional pain of the person I most trusted in the world-cheating lying stealing and divorcing me.No reason but he wanted to be free to go sleep around and be with low class people.I never had a clue in 26 years who he was to become.I have cried,and have suffered too but am in therapy now and actually am workin on regaining my self esteem -due to losing a breast. injured yeah Ive been thru the mill.Still I ran my business all thru chemo,sugery and am handling the house and 4 dogs too.Inside I am devastated. Yesterday a person who wants to take me out--I got paranoid and canceled the first date. Am I ever gonna heal emotionally to be THERE and trust and love again? Tue, 10 Jun 2008 18:01:28 -0400 Guest comment 5686 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/moving-beyond-divorce/sign-or-coincidence-what-do-you-think#comment-5677 It is likely a coincidence. But if it isn't and people who have the same birthdays have somehting in common maybe it means he has the positive qualities you saw in your ex without the negative. I have trouble believing in horoscopes but I must admit there are pretty spooky circumstances on birthdays. In a firm I was in the guy in the next office who did the same work as me had the same birthday as me. At a firm party someone made a bet there would be two people with the same birthday other than the two of us because the number of people there suggested that there should be. There were no other people who did. I moved to another town and took over the practice of another lawyer, having no idea what her birthday was. It is the day after mine. People often say our similiarities are spooky and call me by her name. I say that I must have absorbed her personality from her office. By the way we are Scorpios Sun, 08 Jun 2008 01:07:17 -0400 elainemarleneforbes comment 5677 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/help-advice-needed#comment-5676 She must care or she wouldn't have sent the gifts and she may be as confused as to how to proceed as you. I think the thing to do would be to send a card telling her how Adrian is doing and how he liked the gift assuming it is positive and remind her that she is still Adrian's aunt regardless of your relationship with Levi. Frankly Erica has done better than a lot of us. My ex's sister has two children. I have missed them since the separation but have never had the guts to contact her. My excuse is that it is my husband that left and that therefore anyone in his family who still wanted to be part of my life should have contacted me to tell me that I am still a relative. No one did. Actually two months before he left he seemed to be acting strange. I called his father to discuss the situation he was hostile and cold. I guess my husband had got to him first. That was seven years ago. My husband was not much into family. It was me who bought gifts for his family and urged him to visit, call and invited them to our home. He would have lost contact with them if it were not for me I think. I therefore thought that some day someone would contact me but I guess that won't happen. I thought when my mother died someone would send flowers or a card or come but no one did. I am convinced they are awful people. Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:50:22 -0400 elainemarleneforbes comment 5676 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-5461 Karen, We must have been married to the same guy! Yes our stories are very long but we have great stories! What I want to tell you is that YOU have not let anyone down!!!! You need to believe in YOU Karen and you are someone very important to so many people. Do not let this divorce / seperation hinder who you are and I do not believe for one moment that you are not attractive. God does not make unattractive people!!! We are all beautiful in our own special way and this is where YOU have to take a step forward and look at yourself in the mirror and see the beauty that you possess. Now, I am not talking about the outer beauty I am talking about the inner beauty that supercedes all beauties! If you have the light inside of you believe me everyone around you will see that light and will attract those who want what you have, so Karen get out of your funk and live. Finish your school I wish I had done half of what you have done but my lifes journey is a little different but I do not regret because I know that I would not be where I am today. And I feel grateful for my little accomplishments and yet my dreams are so big that I feel ready to explore my wonderful possibilities. I will not let my seperation (which I have yet to file) hinder the God given abilities that I know I possess and I feel excited with this new life for me. Yes, Karen, I cried like a baby for the first couple of weeks, I felt an embarrassement and failure in my marriage, but the reality is I have nothing to be embarrassed about and I did not fail in my marriage. My husband chose another woman and she is "different" well of course she is different she is not "me" and the greatest gifts that I do have are my sons who are by my side and learning to be the men that God wants them to be not what the world wants them to be, and this I say to you because this is what my sons are telling me and I feel this overwhelming happiness that even though I am in my mourning stage, I have the love of my sons and their support as well as the love and support of my family and my husbands family who are really there for me and the great friends that I have to empower me in whatever I decide. So I know that you too must have great friends who have not left you and are there for you and in regards to your in laws they will always be a part of your family, especially if you had a good relationship. I just spent Mother's Day with my husbands family. My husband by the way is not talking to anyone. By anyone this means, his own Mother, brother, sister and even his own sons's it's as if he has stepped off the face of the planet. The only way I communicate with him is via e-mail but he does not respond. So what I am doing now is protecting myself and doing what I have to do. I do not have much money and I may not be able to afford a divorce but I do need to get a legal separation so if you have suggestions please feel free to let me know. I cannot remodify my mortgage until I am Legally seperated. So any help from you will be great. Something that will not cost an arm and a leg will be helpful. Take care Karen and YOU CAN DO IT!!! LIZ Wed, 14 May 2008 19:56:03 -0400 Elizabeth Cortez comment 5461 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-5460 Hi beautirest46, When I read your story and many other stories about your divorce/seperation, etc. it amazes me that I am not the only one going through what I am going through. I have been married for 27 years and on March 21 of this year he left. I have been his companion but in the past years I noticed his withdrawing from me because I had this wonderful job working at a Church and learning and loving all that I did. I felt that in my marriage, instead of having someone appreciate and support me in my endeavors, I felt that he had to compete with me. I have supported my husband in everything. He has a great job and he D.J.'s on the weekends which for me has always been a big factor in leading us astray. His life is surrounded by how much money one could have and of course my life is surrounded by the love of God and how everything that we have is from God. My husband use to be a man of God but the world has taken him for a ride. There are major issues or demons that he has held so much inside of him that he is so afraid to go to counseling for the reason of having to dig up his past. His childhood was not a very good one. He had been abused physically as well as emotionally and this has affected our relationship. I know the hurt you must have felt when your husband left. I would like to share something with you and hopefully you will see how God has his own plans for us and is working behind the scenes in our lives as I am writing to you today. Well here goes..... As I mentioned early on I had the great opportunity to work at a Church and I loved my ministry very much. The more I learned, the more I put into practice in my life. Well, the mistake I made with myself was putting a lot of time in working and helping families be a family, especially with our busy society as it is, and I myself did not spend a lot of time at home. Part of the reason was my husband was always D.Jing a wedding or other occasion and even though I use to go with him, this would get boring to me just sitting as he played music. Our sons are young men now, one is out of the house the other two are at home with me, one is 22 and in college and the youngest is 18 and will be graduating from high school in a couple of weeks. They have been my complete strength in my life and now in this new situation. Well back to my story, anyway last year in July I really began to look at my life and where it was leading me. I worked in the parish for 9 years and was becoming very tired because I did not get the help that I had been requesting for some time. I was offered this wonderful opportunity to get a new position and work in our Diocese and I was excited but at the same time I was afraid! I got on my knees one evening and prayed to our God and simply just asked Him to help me with my decision. In my heart and soul I knew that I was not living a Sacramental Marriage with my husband and it had been only myself working in making our marriage better. My husband drifted further and further from us and yet his soul was always so unhappy. When in August of last year I applied for this new positiion and I left it entirely in God's hands to lead me where He wanted me to be. When I gave myself completely to God so many amazing things began to happen! First as I was filling out the application for the new position I at first held back due to the requirements or college education that was required for the position so at first I just put the application away because I felt of course that I was not qualified. Within that week a friend of mine stopped at my home and hand delivered another application to me and said fill it out! I opened the envelope and there was a post it note reading " Liz fill out the application you have nothing to lose" I felt God's presence just leading me in filling out the application. Within 3 weeks and an interview I got the job! Less stress, more money and more time to be at home with my family! I thought I was heading in the right direction, but also the fear of what was to come scared me. The fear being was that in talking to God and knowing that I really was not living a so called married life I have felt so alone for so many years and yet because I thought I knew what marriage stood for I stayed for so long in this marriage. I know now that working in the Church for 9 years He was preparing me for this seperation that was to be in my life and I knew that because in my prayers I asked for God's help in leading me where He wanted me to be. I would not be where I am today if it were not for God and for all the wonderful people that He has placed in my life. I have always been a joyful person and the person that I was married to always tried to take that joy away from me. The strength that I have is due to the faith that I have in God. Yes I am hurt I am shocked but I have felt His graces in me because I do not feel anger what so ever in my life today. I pray for my husband every night that he finds the peace that he simply chooses to not have right now but I know that he is a very unhappy soul right now so I continue to pray for him. Most importantly, in getting my new job I knew then that there was to be a seperation/divorce but I also did not want to face the truth I was in denial for the first couple of weeks. It has been a month now and I email my husband every day if possible some beautiful prayer meditations to help him on his journey, but I have taken the inituative to move on and to save my home from foreclosure and now I am seeking advice on how to go about getting a legal separation and I am finding an empowerment inside of me that my husband always tried to take from me. I believe that all individuals can have this empowerment of leading ones own life but only with the understanding that our God wants us to be the best versions of ourselves. A book that I am reading right now is "The Rythm of Life" by Matthew Kelley. This book is awesome pick it up if you can and read it because, like "The Purpose Driven Life" this book by Matthew will help you be the BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF and true Love will definitely come again for you, for me, and for many others. God Bless you in your new journey of life! Wed, 14 May 2008 19:37:29 -0400 Elizabeth Cortez comment 5460 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/sex-the-ex#comment-5412 I sometimes think of my husband , we are separated.I miss him ,we have a young child together,I have not been with anyone else yet. We are not together because he wanted to see other women and an main factor , he has a Lovechiild with another woman.,so that kills the intimate feelings for sex with him in a instant. Iam torn with fantasy and reality.But deep in my heart I still want him. Fri, 09 May 2008 18:44:11 -0400 Guest comment 5412 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/moving-beyond-divorce/sign-or-coincidence-what-do-you-think#comment-5251 I'm a gemini-soon to be ex-husband is a libra, new boyfriend is libra too. Just watch yourself, gather what you have learned from your ex and start psychoanalyzing your relationship and remember why you left. I left because my husband was emotionally blackmailing me and now I know that he had abandonment issues with his mother. My current new boyfriend has sort of the same issues but he's not blaming me, we are sorting them out together, I don't know what the future brings but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt as long as he sees what the problem is and I don't fall into the same patterns-it's a slippery slope. Wed, 30 Apr 2008 16:14:23 -0400 Guest comment 5251 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-5099 Hats off to all of you. I just registered for this web site and, here I am, posting already, something I never do . . . But I am so struck by how so many of you are in a situation similar to mine; and I thought I was so unique! I will qualify for Medicare this year, and have been married for 39 years,although the last five or six of those have really not be marriage certifiable. About six years ago, my husband began an intense relationship with another woman; I had no clue until I received a phone call one evening from her spouse, informing me of the relationship. Was I ever blown away! How could I have been so stupid. I actually thought we were in a good place. After being an Air Force wife for twenty-six years, moving 15 times, raising a son, having no career, I had finally come into my own. We had moved to a new city so I could work on an advanced degree and begin a university teaching career. Foolish me. My husband apparently could not handle a marriage that did not focus on him, and he took up with another woman . . . at least she wasn't twenty-five. . . . And she was a real piece of work, but that is another story. Over these past few years, my husband moved out for two, came back home, but again stupid me, didn't realize for a while that he had not ended that relationship. So you can guess what the tenor of our marriage was like. ( Poetic justice does happen, however, because I hear that she left him because he cheated on her!!!) But, all this is not the point. After years of what I think is emotional abuse, I have finally decided that I have to leave. He reminds me I have no financial claim to anything since he earned it all, so it is only his generosity that allows me a life. But that too is another topic, that I know better about. I am so sad. I feel like I need a sense of closure to all of this, my the guy is really emotionally challenged and a coward. He has never shared with me how and when the relationship ended; if, in fact, it has ended; why he stays in a loveless marriage. Never has he apologized for the enormous emotional hurt he cause; I would think after all this time I at least deserve that. When I told him I wanted out and asked him how he felt, he replied that he didn't know. I am leaving the city in which I have lived for almost fifteen years. Although I am lucky to have found an ideal situation, I am moving in with a cousin my age who was recently widowed, and I will finally be away from my husband' constant carping and criticism, I just can't seem to get beyond the feeling that after all these years, and all these experiences, I have to move on. How does one divide up the vestiges of a lifetime; we lived around the world and have physical remembrances of all those places. How does one going about breaking up a home? How do you divide up possessions? How do you split up the Christmas ornaments that each symbolize a special Christmas? Who gets fondue pot? Who gets the All Clad pans?Why do I feel so tearful? Why am I scared? I am not scared of being on my own, but I think of losing the sense of identity I had for 39 years, as well as a certain comfort zone. I realize that comfort is not quite the right word, but how do I get over feeling that i am leaving my home, my roost, my safe place (although I realize that it isn't totally safe). Someone tell me how to put such a long term marriage behind me. And like one of the bloggers before me, I feel like such a failure, in so many ways. I am not particularly attractive, so another relationship is unlikely; I still have not finished my graduate degree that I started fourteen years ago, so a new career is down the drain. ( I am determined to finish it, however; I just have to finish a dissertation). I feel I have let down my in-laws, of whom I am quite fond; my adult son will still love me, I know, but it really won't be "our family." As I said before, I am so sad, but know I have to leave my current situation before I completely lose me. But it is cathartic to write all this down, and there is so much more. Sun, 20 Apr 2008 10:49:05 -0400 kbruner comment 5099 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-5026 I have become the statistic. We are not divorced, but a piece of paper only helps the legalities. His new girlfriend or even wife (in another country) is 32. I am 55. Can it get ANY worse? If it can I really don't want to know. My husband wants to stay friends and be able to come and visit our daughters who are currently living at home. He also has no problem with us going on a cruise that he proposed for a few months from now. I asked him if he was out of his mind. He can have another girlfriend and all that goes along with it. But, I couldn't even think of being with him and knowing about her. He asked would you rather I don't tell you? what kind of a dirt bag is he...You think you know someone. You believe in someone. A person who is an extremely successful and famous business person has the personal integrity of a cockroach. He is a spoiled child whose power and wealth has enabled him to believe he deserves it all and is above it all. He wants to be friends. The worst it that my oldest daughter (27) believes that I caused him to cheat for the past 10 years. My middle daughter (25) is so excited as she will have a new family perhaps...since I had all girls, perhaps the 32 yr. old will have a boy! My youngest (21) is disgusted because she was the one who got the phone call from her friend whose mother saw my husband with this other woman. I want the pain to stop. I have tried all week to talk myself into feeling better. I am so exasperated. What to do at 55. Where to work? How to cope. I recently moved to a new state because of better weather for the health of my oldest daughter who became a quadripilegic 4 yrs. ago. My husband already tried to play the card that my daughter's accident opened his eyes to life and he didn't like the way his was going. Because I am so easy sometimes, I think the my husband is entitled to his feelings. How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot and I wanted out? Would he object? Would he feel as I do? Perhaps I should get a grip. If I only knew how I would...I am so sad and feel so lost. And now my children look like strangers to me.. Sun, 13 Apr 2008 21:57:07 -0400 Anneo comment 5026 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-4861 I am in the process of divorce. My husband started to go out with his co workers who are in their twenties. He is in his fortiies. He has been increasingly ver bally a busive and distant . He has been coming and going as he pleases. He started to sleep in the basement (his choice) and only coming up when I am gone. I feel very rejected but also angry. I have requested that he leave repeatedly , with replies he will leave soon - and starts his name calling. What makes matters worse is that I have a teenage son and when I attempt to comfront my husband he hasa fit and blames me. I lost my mom a yr. ago - she was my best friend. I feel so alone and do not know what to do. Sun, 30 Mar 2008 20:19:53 -0400 Guest comment 4861 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/a-readers-cry-help#comment-4858 Wlhen rejected from your husband you feel unloved and worthless. It is good to have positive affirmations . Sun, 30 Mar 2008 15:53:47 -0400 Guest comment 4858 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com http://www.firstwivesworld.com/community/discussions/ask-the-community/help-advice-needed#comment-4749 Love covers a multitude of Sin. I believe she has a conscience. She did think enough to send the balloons. I always told my children. Noone ever has to do anything for you. But if they do Tell them Thank-you. We have to remember you reap what you sow. When we have children , We have to be mindful of the things we do and how we behave. Maybe she is trying to make things right. Sometimes we might not get a second chance to do what we should have done the first time.. You do what is right. I believe you know or you would not have asked what should you do? Be Bless and pray for forgiveness. It is for you. Not them. Sun, 23 Mar 2008 04:22:55 -0400 beautirest46 comment 4749 at http://www.firstwivesworld.com