firstwivesworld - Resource Article - Comments

Pre-nup

Guest — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 09:51:39 -0400

If you are financially independent, I would say a pre-nup is absolutely appropriate. I already split 30 years of assets in half. Now, I am more concerned that my children be taken care of, than this man, I have known only 3 years, especially when he is not my financial equal. I know women who have remarried men who make much more money than them, and they think pre-nups are wrong. "He loves me, so he should want to take care of me. His children are grown, they can take care of themselves." Needless to say, they have very poor relationships with his kids and you have to wonder, was it love or financial security that made you marry him?

Beauty secrets for divorced women

Guest — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:36:57 -0400

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How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Ex Won’t Pay

Guest — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 10:54:08 -0400

This is utter nonsense. Why should one parent take on part of the blame when she (or he, if that is the case) is not at fault? Why does Dr Banschick advise the mother to apologise for his selfishness? I believe in dispassionately telling the child what has happened, and letting the chips fall where they may. If psychological damage control is needed, the parent might want to remind the child of the other parent's other generosities (assuming there are some). However, in this instance the mother isn't dealing with a case of 'Dad and I can't afford to send you to camp': The truth is that 'I saved my part of your camp fees, but he spent the money on a new car, so we can't manage camp this year.' In addition, I notice that this psychologist suggests that the mother invalidate the disappointed child's feelings when the girl correctly figures out that her father is the cause? (In the example given the girl is 12-years-old. Don't you think that a child that age can figure out that her dad’s new car is a 'fancy' one without being told?) Kids hate being lied to. Even worse, some kids – especially girls – will grow up invalidating their own perceptions. When they become adults some of these kids will have problems determining whether someone is treating them unfairly or they will make endless excuses for the other person because that is how they were raised. Been there.

COMMENT TO THE DIVORCE ATTORNEY

Guest — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 14:02:53 -0400

Dear Divorce Attorney, I read the agreement and did my own research which proves that I have been misrepresented and my attorney took advantage of me when I came and shared my sad story. I have been triple charged for his work, as instead of spending 1 hour to write a motion he bills for 2 and spends just 10 min, and plus he has been extra accomodating to my husband and his attorney. It looks like after owning $14 K in attorney fees, "my husband now suddenly does not have that much money". Any ideas on how to end this nightmare in Kings county, NY? Also, any ideas on how to dispute the triple charges on the bill (which was never detailed by the way)... Since I lost $90K in the possible settlement on this case (as this is what I was promised my attorney would try to go after) I do not feel that I owe him anything other than a retainer which should be returned because he obviously aided the other side to have the time to shelter safely all the money he had when we first started this divorce. Any ideas about what to do with a some what dishonest attorney?

Why not?

Guest — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 03:26:22 -0400

You want a man's job then accept the responsibilities and shut up.

"He too had an affair, but

Cathy Meyer — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:16:14 -0400

"He too had an affair, but it was with a fellow officer." I hope you are continuing to do well.

I completely understand this

Guest — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:38:05 -0400

I completely understand this question. my husband loves his children becuase he was raised to only love and trust his flesh and blood. Well when we get into an arguement he will often say to me why don't I just leave. Meaning leave my home and kids and find someone else to take care of me. I havnt worked since my last child was born and have no family around to go to. He often treats me as only a maid and knows I can do nothing about it. But sometimes the neglect and verbal abuse makes me think he is trying to get me mad enough to leave the house, but does not want to file for a divorse making him out to always be the good guy. This has gone on for 15 years. I have been very lonely for a long time not wanting to leave my children. my youngest will start kindergarden this year so maybe in a few years I will be able to get a job, but for now I feel i need to be home for my kids afterschool. I do not feel comfortable about leaving them home alone. there is no afterschool program where we live. So I'm trapped.....In a loveless life. I gotta a real deep feeling that when the children are old enough and I'm no longer needed, I'm going to be kicked to the street. I just want to add, there is no drinking or drug taking by either of us, so that is not the problem. Both pregnancys were not planned. I'm sure there are other women like me living a loveless invisable life.

your article

Guest — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:36:24 -0400

Great article. I agree with every word you said, especially about taking your OWN time to move on- just as with a death, no one else can tell you how long to grieve or heal.

Great post, Jill!

Sarah Farthing — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:24:36 -0400

I don't have kids, but even I see the value here. What a great idea to have a swap with True Mom Confessions. I wish my 2 ex-stepmothers could have had this as a resource. It may have helped with the issues relating to me and my sister.

love and leave

Guest — Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:16:31 -0400

My stupid ex left me for another woman whom I knew was a gold digger. I have some business friends who knew her from the gym and told me that this was not the first married man she sunk her nails into. Anyhow, he "lent" her $10,000 and I found out about it. I never realized how stupid my ex is. Of course, they are no longer together and the money is long gone. And BTW, she moved on to a different health club. I hope he learned his lesson, but I doubt it.

Divorcing your Divorce Attorney

Guest — Fri, 11 Jul 2008 13:14:23 -0400

As a divorce attorney, I agree many of these tips are useful. However, it is imperative to remember that the legal process, especially civil matters, takes time. It is rare that a divorce happens within 30 days or less. Divorce is an emotional time for all the parties involved. It is the job of the attorney to guide their client through the legal and business matters of divorce, not be an emotional counselor or support system. While there is a lot of hurt and anger in the divorce process, a therapist is the best person to contact with the emotional baggage. A therapist is trained in those matters and are usually less expense then an attorney. Attorneys, especially associate attorneys, have to charge the client every time they talk to the client even if the attorney has nothing to report. I always advise my clients to talk to my assistants. In many cases, the assistant can answer questions or they have to ability to ask the question and get back to the client in a faster matter. They are also billed out at a less expensive amount. As an attorney, I spend a lot of time out of the office in court. I have about 100 files and it is not always feasible to get back to my clients immediately. Many people walk into a divorce angry and hurt. Those feelings are understandable. However, the legal system is not an effective manner in which to express those emotions. 90% of the time when parties end up litigating divorce issues, neither party ends up happy. Always remember the more the parties argue, the longer the process takes and the higher the attorney's fees become. When a person is in a situation where they are battling with a spouse, sometimes it is just as important to recognize everything the litigation costs, not just the assets they are fighting over. A person must decide if it is worth fighting over an asset that will end up being worthless after all of the attorney fees and other costs are paid. Another expense that is also overlooked is the emotional expense. It is hard to move forward with your life when a divorce is hanging over your head. Sometimes, the benefits of moving forward outweigh the value of an asset. An attorney is not a miracle worker. Every state has different laws regarding the division of assets. Unless protected by pre-nuptial agreements or not held as a martial asset, the assets will have to be divided. This is the time to compromise with your spouse. Marriage is about give and take and in many respects, so is divorce. I always ask my clients to outline what they would like from the divorce and to prioritize what is the most important items. Then I proceed to give them a generic outline of the law and what may happen in their case. Unrealistic expectations should be addressed as soon as possible. In regards to attorney bills, an attorney is likely to keep your file if you don't pay the bill. Clients are entitled to monthly billing and if you don't receive a bill, contact your attorney and request one. This way you can keep track of what has been completed, what is going on and how much of the retainer has been used. It is also a way to check for double charges and other mistakes that might be made on the bill. It's also the time to question the attorney about the charges on the bill. I do not recommend waiting until the divorce is complete or the attorney is in front of the judge requesting attorney's fees. Keeping track of billing statements is also an effective means of finding out what is going on with the divorce. Lastly, remember that as a client, you will be paying for the services of an attorney. This can be costly. An attorney should provide the party with a retainer agreement that outlines the hourly rates and how the client will be billed. It surprises me that most people don't fully read this agreement prior to signing and even worse, they don't ask questions.

Once again, I'm sorry...

Cathy Meyer — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 13:05:11 -0400

Military members deserting their families happens in all branches of the military. What I find unacceptable is the military's response to what is happening to these marriages. I don't have to imagine the pain you and your children suffered because my children and I have been through it also. It is indescribable. I hope that you are doing well and that you have been able to move on with your life. If anyone reading my articles would like to communicate one on one please feel free to email me at tolemakr@bellsouth.net.

The same situation happened to my family

Guest — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 10:59:08 -0400

The almost same exact situation happened to me and my children (ages 4 and 1.) My now ex came home from his Naval deployment and was no longer the same man. He too had an affair, but it was with a fellow officer. The emotional pain my children and I went through is indescribable. I am so sorry to hear that situations such as these happen more often than is reported.

kids

Guest — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 20:53:01 -0400

The sad thing is that kids who want to be loved by a parent that is not loving them in return will depise you, I have learned after a divorce. It takes one bad parent to ruin it for the kids and the ex I have also learned. They grave so much attention from the bad that the only way they can get attention is to be mean to the good parent. What I get confused about is do you discipline the child or keep on going to court and try to deal with the bad parent. I feel in Washington the state doesn't care about the kids!! I feel women have got so independent that they now play the mans role (work, dad) and they are leaving their kids behind, literally. I honestly believe its important to have both parents in the picture but something has happened here. I have lived here since 97 and pretty much I have met 1 decent mom (was has happened) They are either on drugs, alcohol, meth or abusing their kids. Why is the state allowing them to see their kids when the good parents are trying to save them and make them a better person in the community. I cry almost every night because what happens and all they will say is its a moral issue, or that if that person bad you are not going to be able to change it so pretty much get over it. There is only one big problem!!!!!! These are our kids!!!!!! We just try to maintain and do our best and it feels like it never matters or the other parent will turn our good to bad hardly seems fair. The sad thing is she knows she does it she does it on purpose to get back at other parent cause she is a ugly preson. Just today their dad got in an accident and one of his kids laughed they wish he was dead......because the mom has told the kids that what comes around goes around because she almost died do to a brain tumor even though she was misusing drugs on top of that and alcohol and not coming home at night. How does that work? The guardian at litem even thought there wasn't even enough for the divorce......even though she didn't come home nights (out all night). Sometimes she wouldn't even come home in time for the dad to come to work!!!!!! No one seems to care. My question is why? Why do the bad people get away with these things?

Sorry...

Cathy Meyer — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 17:49:48 -0400

I'm very sorry about what you have gone through. I think a lot of military spouses find that, when all is said and done the military has little concern for families and strenghtening them. There is a code of conduct but they have no sense of responsibility when holding their members to that code of conduct. How can people like your husband be expected to hold himself responsible when the organization he belongs to feels they are not culpable for the behavior of their members? There is a lot of talk about family focused programs and how much is being done to help troubled marriages. I find it funny though that when a marriage falls a part...when the shit hits the fan and all hell breaks lose military personnel with any authority look the other way. In my opinion there is a lot of talk but very little action when it comes to exactly how much effort the military puts toward helping families in crisis.