firstwivesworld - What Did You Change? - Comments

The Hair Thing

Guest — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 23:27:52 -0400

I think you may be right! In someway, our outsides need to match the insides. How could your life go through such an upside-down change and not have it be physically visable? I mean, no one can see that your heart is broken, but they sure can see a cute new hair cut. I cut my hair - short. Not in a pixie or anything, just shorter than he would have ever liked - and how I always wanted it, but kept it long because he liked it. I also found myself dressing better. Not because I wanted to draw attention to myself, but because it made me feel better. It made me feel pretty, and forced me to take care of myself. So if it's logging a million miles on your bike, dressing to make yourself feel good, or cutting your hair, it helps make the change real. And, you look better and possibly healther too!

Oh my gosh, congratulations!

Naomi Dunne — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 09:35:29 -0400

That's such amazing progress! I mean, I sit around complaining about not losing the last 12 pounds, but you did really great.

You raise a good point about the effects of change on other people. They often find it threatening and I think they get embarrassed that they're handling it that way, so they freeze people out. I don't know if many of the women in your area are divorced, but I hear a lot of people say it seems like their friends think divorce is contagious, like the flu. They seem to think that if your husband left you, they'll catch it and their husbands will leave them too.

I'm so pleased for you that you have done so well, especially in giving your babies a mother who will be around for a long time. Really great stuff - thanks for commenting. That made my day.

Changes due to divorce

Patricia0757 — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 21:09:01 -0400

I lost weight (125 to 104lbs.), started wearing nicer clothes and make-up to pick my kids up from school. Did it help? It made me feel pretty when I had been dumped by my husband for a younger women and his work. Unfortunately, the other women at school thought I was trying to be attractive for their husbands and that I was better than them. Quickly, I was dropped from "Mom" groups and the truth is, it didn't really change anything. The one thing that made me feel better was riding my bike. I put hundreds of miles on my bike in 4 months and ended by participating in the MS 150 bike ride. I would ride till it hurt really bad, fall into a bath and this was the only way I could breath. My therapist told me that I was having a stress attack and if I could just keep moving, doing the day-to-day I could work through it. I still have many sleepless nights but I can breath again, no drugs and I raised $2,000 for MS and I have the best luck of all... kids that I can love and spend quality time with as I am healthy.
It's hard on your body to be so stressed. My daughter was looking at pictures of me from 6 months ago and said to me that my skin looks so much better now than it did then. Out of the mouths of babes and I'm really not that photogenic!!! Take care of yourself and yes, change something but not your hair. Take vitamins, get healthy, and exercise. Set yourself a physical goal to participate in a marathon, a bike ride, or learn to sky dive. Anything that is physical and takes a few months of training...and go for it. You will feel very proud of yourself. Good luck.

What Did You Change?

Naomi Dunne — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 09:00:00 -0400

Have you noticed that every divorced woman you know cut her hair when she separated from her husband? It’s practically an epidemic.

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely true, but divorced women tend to always make some major change to their appearance. Sometimes they dye their hair. Sometimes they lose 80 pounds. Sometimes they start dressing better. Sometimes they start dressing worse.

What is it about the divorce process that causes such radical changes? Is it the alleviation of depression? Is it the arrival of depression? Were our husbands so oppressive that we really, truly couldn’t be ourselves?

I think it’s because we can’t comprehend the level of change we’re going through without making some kind of physical statement. Our psyche needs a physical representation of our internal metamorphosis because just thinking about it isn’t enough. I think it’s like when people experience a spiritual conversion. There’s nothing inherently more spiritual about moving to an ashram in India, but people need to make the change. They need to feel like an active participant in the process.

When I separated from my husband, I cut my hair. Then I cut it again. Then I shaved my head because the pixie cut just wasn’t short enough. I started dressing like a tramp. I stopped dressing like a tramp and started dressing like someone in a Ralph Lauren ad. I’m interested to know if any of you out there made any drastic changes to your appearance when you got divorced? Did you find that it helped?