firstwivesworld - How Does Your Marriage Grow? - Comments

Ooooh yes!

Maya Halpen — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:15:34 -0400

Being in touch with myself. That appeals to me. I suppose in my public musings that's what I'm attempting, but I love the sense of certainty you say you had. Perhaps all my back and forth is leading me to that point of knowing what I must do. I'm listening and waiting for it. And exhausting possibilities in the meantime. Thanks for your story!

You will know when it's time

Christiane — Wed, 28 May 2008 10:04:14 -0400

I knew within months of marrying that my husband had some pretty major psychological issues. Over the years, we spent countless hours (and countless dollars) in therapy trying to get him to a healthy enough place that the rest of us could function. After 18 torturous years, one morning, I woke up and knew that I couldn't do it any more. For me, It was important that I knew I had tried every POSSIBLE avenue to save my marriage - no regrets or questions. So that leaves me, in my mid-40s, my youth gone, to start fresh. I have found I don't have regrets - no regrets of staying longer than I should have, no regrets of wasted efforts. All of that brought me to the healthy place I am in. The important thing is to be in touch with your self. If you are, you will know if and when the time is right for you to move on. Trust your gut feeling, it will never fail.

How Does Your Marriage Grow?

Maya Halpen — Wed, 28 May 2008 09:14:56 -0400

Couples therapy stretches out before me like a never-ending road, barely undulating, ascending only the gentlest slopes, never turning corners that so desperately need to be turned. There is no question the road goes somewhere better than our present location...but only eventually.

Indeed, the question before me is one of time. Am I willing to invest a few good years — my fleeting youth — in building a better relationship with my troubled husband?

No doubt such an investment has the potential to pay off big. A couple that goes through hardship and works together to find a solution can come out the other side stronger than ever.

But do I want to sacrifice the open window of opportunities in the present for pay off so far down the road?

Today in therapy it was clear Rob is capable of making breakthroughs that will allow him insight and room to find new behaviors that will make him easier to live with. But the more progress he makes, I'm worried the bigger the expectation (on his part and our therapist's) that I should stick around for the pay off.

A kindler, gentler, better communicator of a husband would be great, but sticking around for it to come to fruition — in what? two or three years? — will be the tough part.

Today I'm confident about being here, doing the work with him. Tomorrow? If my track record is to believed, tomorrow will be another story entirely. I'm taking every day as it comes, and perhaps one day it will feel like time to make a decision one way or another. Not today.