firstwivesworld - Coming Clean with My Friends - Comments

Weird or not...

Guest — Sat, 24 May 2008 15:48:58 -0400

I "came out" to only a few select friends, in case we were able to work it out. We weren't. But one thing jumped out at me-- you said "it's weird" to have your friends choose between you. In most cases, that really does have to happen. Divorce is ugly, no doubt. Two of my closest friends wanted to "stay friends with both of us". It doesn't work that way, at least not in my case, and most of my other divorced friends. It was a huge loss to me, since I had to distance myself from them in order to protect myself (from them sharing details about my finances, work, dating with my ex). Be glad that your friends have already confirmed their loyalty to you. Just in case.

coming out to friends

elainemarleneforbes — Sat, 24 May 2008 02:20:33 -0400

I have been separated for several years now (but for some reason have not moved on). But one of the difficult things has been to get my friends to understand what my marriage was really like. They were all sympathetic and supportive when we separated. Only one tried to stay neutral and I have to confess I never spoken to her again and many of my other friends also froze her out. ( even her cousin) After thirty years of supporting my husband and building up it was very hard to make the transition to make people how much of a jerk he really is. It is still upsetting when they are lagging behind in understanding him but still hard for me to tell them how bad our relationship was. . There are a gazillion examples but one occurred when my mother died. Everyone said that I had to be ready to deal with the fact that my husband would be at the funeral. I said "why would he be there." thinking he goes to the funerals of the mothers of important people. Why would he come to my mother's funeral. If were still together he would come to make me happy but he had nothing to gain now. It just seemed absurd that he would come. They all pointed out how my mom had always been very fond of him and very generous to him and she was the grandmother of his three children. Not only did he not come but acted with disgusting callousness with respect to one of our sons who was still in secondary school, 17 I think. My son told me his suit was too small and he had nothing to wear to the wake. I said I would take him out to get something and he replied that no he would ask his dad to take him. He reassured me that his dad was handling this. ( He was not liviing with either of us to attend a school he had commenced before we separated.) When I picked him up he was crying as he had nothing to wear. When I askded what had happened with his dad buying him something and he said hes dad had brought him a suit of his but it was too small. What was shocking about his is my husband is a very small man and my son very large. When he was in a band in grade 6 and needed a navy jacket my husband thought he would lend him one of his but my sons shoulders were too wide. When he graduated from grade school, my husband said why didn't he wear one of his suits but they were much too small and I had to buy him one. when my mother died he tried on the one from his graduation and could not get it on. When my husband and he walked next together they are like different species. My son is five inches taller and his shoulders are five inches wider and his arms longer. He was taller then his father before he was 12. Now you might think that his dad was worried about spending money but he made over $500,000 that year and wears cashmere and had a dozen leather jackets in different colours and lenghts. He just didn't care. My son sat in a different room crying through the wake. People would come in and he would sob he had nothing to wear to his grandmothers funeral. they tried to reassure him that his grandmother would not care. I felt sick. I figured I looked like a jerk and so I would say, that Mack had said he would take him out to get something but had brought him something of us. They would say, I guess he doesn't realize how big he has gotten. Is he blind? So I stopped telling people. This son refused to come to the funeral. When I called my husband to tell him that he was an ass for doing this, his response was that it was my fault , he said our sons did not want to come to the funeral but I had "guilted them" into attending. How do you explain to people that this asshole was the person I lived with for thirty years. At the funeral several people came up and said where is Mack (husband). Finally my best friend who had never liked him said "He really isn't here is he? I was sure he would come" Flowers had come from Mack when anyone died but that was because I sent them. I noticed our other sons clothes were getting shabby in his last year of university and since my husband dresses very well I though he would take him. I called him and told him this. He said he would see what he could do. He went through his clothes and picked out the stuff he didn't like any more. Only one jacket and socks fitted as he too is bigger than my husband. I had to call him and explain that is not what I meant. I feel moving on means coming out with how bad our relationship was but when I start talking about it I sound like a bitter old lady who is exagerating. When I don't come clean I feel like I am still enabling his cold callous and selfish behaviour. Its hard to know what to do.

i know exactly what you mean

bargee — Fri, 23 May 2008 21:35:53 -0400

i went through the same thing. it was so hard and scary to tell friends and when i did it was one at a time and slowly. and i was amazed at every step of the way how wonderful and generous they all were. yeah, there were one or two weird comments every so often from some of them, but i've made some boneheaded comments in my time. i've not regretted telling anyone, but i've also continued to keep the goriest details private from all but one friend, and i'm very, very glad i did this. i want to keep my soon-to-be ex in my life down the road, and i am trying really hard to keep the situation as dignified as possible, even though i often fall short of this. anyway, i hope you got some relief from your experience; sounds like you did, and you deserve it.

Too soon to tell.

Wanda Woodard — Fri, 23 May 2008 17:56:48 -0400

They all were obviously somewhat surprised except for the one friend who was quiet and just pressed your hand (sounds like a good trustworthy person). They may or may not support you in the long run. Remember they will share this information with their husbands, and their husbands may not like hearing that their wife is hanging with a woman about to be in the throws of divorce. Just be careful. But I am glad you told them. It's good to come clean.

Coming Clean with My Friends

Megan Thomas — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:00:03 -0400

I did something last night that I never thought I would do: I "came out" to my friends about the problems my husband and I have been dealing with.

I was out to dinner with four other ladies and the subject of my husband's potential business trip came up. One of the women asked if I would be sad about him leaving again, and it all just came spurting out.

Some things happened that I expected would happen:

-They were all pretty much stunned.

-They wanted to talk about the subject way beyond what I wanted to talk about.

-They all told me they were on my side, which although comforting in a way, I don't want people having to choose sides between me and my husband. It's weird.

There were also some interesting things that happened that I wasn't really expecting:

-My friend sitting next to me didn't say a word, but just put her hand on mine and squeezed. Without a word it was an amazing display of encouragement and sympathy.

-One friend, without being asked, immediately assured me that her parents' divorce when she was young did not adversely affect her. She said that if anything, she's glad her parents divorced because she can tell now as an adult that they aren't compatible and it would have been tough growing up like that.

-Nobody tried to talk me out of leaving my husband.

-Nobody gave me the whole, "...but you guys are so good together!" spiel that I was dreading.