firstwivesworld - Living Together Apart - Comments

Great feedback!

Maya Halpen — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 14:25:48 -0400

I feel the sympathy from all these comments...and hear the warnings. Deep down I guess I know it's not ideal to decide to live together after we're done pursuing a fix to our ailing relationship. We're living together but romantically apart by default now, but there's no need to make it official. To do so would put us on a path we might not be ready to go on. In other words, there still might be hope for a deeper, somewhat romantic connection. Until I've investigated the possibilities there, I'm not going to define us as apart. And if and when the hope is gone, I think it's clear I'll have to move on...meaning out. No "living in limbo" for me. I feel the first commenter's pain. All of this blows. Thank you all for your thoughts. So helpful.

living together apart

maryrudy87 — Wed, 28 May 2008 23:19:53 -0400

It is a horrible way to live if one does not want the divorce. I have been living like this for a year and the ups and downs are continuous and painful. I am the one who does not want the divorce. He does, but has done nothing to process paperwork or make changes. Every month he has said he will move out, but it does not happen. He says he knows this is not fair, but cannot seem to take any action. I have also been afraid of taking any action so I have put myself in a place that I can only compare to deja vu or the movie Groundhog Day. I am not sure what to do at this point. Both children are adults so there are no children in the house. Believe me it is not a good idea. It may be a possible solution, but unless both of you want the divorce I think it just causes more pain. mary 5-28-08

Popular in Quebec

JulieSavard — Thu, 22 May 2008 12:51:15 -0400

This strategy is popular in Quebec. Many people share a house but don't share a relationship. They find that the children deal better, the people are happier and the family can work out issues more effectively. Trouble only starts when one of the two adults begins dating...

Re: Living Together Apart

Guest — Wed, 21 May 2008 18:55:15 -0400

Maya - I've been following your blog for quite some time, and I know EXACTLY what you're going through. It's like you're writing my own thoughts... LTA is basically how my husband and I have been living since we got married, and it has been anything but happy for me. I've been paralyzed by the "fear of change and loneliness" you mention, going around and around in my head about what to do in order to be happy... (I've got two young kids, so my situation is a little different.) The lack of intimacy in the relationship is more than dissatisfying, yet I can't make the decision to either move on or commit to the relationship and REALLY work on it. Living in limbo blows. Don't put yourself in that situation. It'll be hard on both of you.

Living Together Apart

Maya Halpen — Wed, 21 May 2008 12:00:47 -0400

I just learned about Living Apart Together (LAT). Interesting idea. (Isn't that what Woody and Mia did, only to have their sense of family diluted enough that Woody took up with his wife's adopted daughter? Eww.)

But from the sounds of it, others make it work, and in living apart, they find the freedom to stay together as a couple.

What about the opposite? Allow me to coin the term Living Together Apart (LTA!). As in someone moves into the guestroom and the former couple shares the apartment equally as roommates, and no intimate relationship continues.

I bet Rob would go for it. And this way I get to keep my favorite study intact, continue to receive the affections of my cat, and stay in my beloved neighborhood!

But would it be fair to Rob? I've been opening up to the idea that we have helped each other grow but might need to grow in separate directions in the future. While living together could eventually impact our moving on and dating, what about in the near future? Is it possible this could ease a transition?

Or is it a cop out when the fear of change and loneliness related to moving out are too tough to imagine? I'd love to hear from others who have given it a try.