firstwivesworld - The Awkward "Stepdad" Conversation - Comments

Nothing will ever make it right for them

Guest — Sun, 25 May 2008 10:30:25 -0400

When my husband and I first separated, my kids were "fine" with it and said they were glad the tension was gone. But in the two years since then, my teenagers have dealt with a lot. One of the hardest things was that they DIDN'T know how bad it was, because we always put on our game face in front of them. watching them "muddle through" has been hard, hard, hard...and knowing that there isn't anythign I can do to take all of that away is heart-wrenchig. There is no question that I had to get divorced - I couldn't have survived one more minute of the hell. But it definitely hurt my kids, and always will. They will be "fine" but they will always hurt from it.

the awkward stepdad conversation

Guest — Thu, 22 May 2008 22:02:08 -0400

I wish kids were as resilient as everyone tells you they will be. Almost a year into my separation, I can tell you mine are doing relatively well, one of them with the help of therapy and a support groups at school. But they only get there through unloading their issues onto their mother (that would be me). They know fathers can't handle it or aren't around. I have been crapped on more in the last year (as I was going through my own stuff) by the kids than I ever experienced before we separated. We will all come out the other side and we'll be stronger for having done it together, but it is not for the faint-hearted.

Well said, Cathy.

Wanda Woodard — Tue, 20 May 2008 16:53:15 -0400

And, you're right.

Reactions can be misleading...

Cathy Meyer — Mon, 19 May 2008 16:18:49 -0400

Your daughter's response was not due to her being smart. She responded the way she did because in her mind her parents are going to stay together. She is four; she can't intellectualize that sort of information and imagine what it would mean for her life. She does not have the capacity to do that. Yes, your children would survive and you would all "muddle through somehow." What I don't understand is why that is acceptable thinking on your part. There isn't a child born who does not deserve more than to just survive and muddle through. Don't fool yourself into thinking that when you leave your husband your children's world won't be shattered. Regardless of what CM says, children have emotions that have nothing to do with the cues their parents give them. How well they do emotionally depends on how stable the foundation of their lives are. Home and family, all they have ever known, is the very foundation of a child's emotional life. You can communicate with her until the cows come home but she will not be all right if her parents split. She will go through an emotional crisis and any parent who divorces needs to understand that and not buy into the "she will be fine" myth about children and divorce. I've spent the morning in a psychiatrist's office with my 16 year old son. His father and I divorced nine years ago. My child was seven when his father decided he wanted a divorce. His father thought that he would be fine...he would adjust. That thinking caused his father to ignore and deny the problems his child experienced because of the divorce. Now, nine years later my child still suffers because of someone who thought his son would be "fine, no matter what." When you finally make the decision to leave your husband, do me a favor. Get your children into therapy immediately. Do it before there is a separation. Make them and not your need to leave your husband your main priority because if you don't you may be sitting in a psychiatrist’s office with them years after you have moved on.

yes, the kids survive.... but

Guest — Sun, 18 May 2008 20:57:10 -0400

don't underestimate for a second the impact it has on them. it IS earth shattering for them. imagining what something might be like and living it are totally different and a young child doesn't have the experience to begin to imagine what it would be like a appropriately get upset (many adults don't either). don't mistake her lack of response as a sign. it really is just a lack of a response.

Kids take cues on behavior

Guest — Sun, 18 May 2008 20:20:35 -0400

Kids take cues on behavior from adults. You clearly are doing very well in communicating with her- she will be fine, no matter what! Good luck. CM

The Awkward "Stepdad" Conversation

Megan Thomas — Sun, 18 May 2008 14:00:00 -0400

The other day my 4-year-old daughter asked my husband and me, "What's a stepdad?" My guess is that she heard the phrase at preschool or at the kids club at the gym, and it must have been a curious term because it was one that she had never heard before.

I went ahead and answered the question as best as I could. I told her that sometimes parents don't stay together, and if they marry someone else then the new person becomes a step parent to the kids. She didn't quite get what I was saying — probably because all she has ever known are two parents who stay together and never speak about separation in front of the kids — so I approached it from a different angle.

I told her this: "If mommy and daddy decided they didn't want to be married anymore, and then mommy eventually married another man, that man would be your stepdad." This seemed to clear it up for her, but I looked over at my husband and realized that I had just painted a picture of one of his biggest fears. Before I could say anything else, my horrified husband said to my daughter loudly, "...but that's not going to ever happen, sweetie, so don't you worry about it."

I think this wins for most awkward conversation I've had in a while.

The thing that really amazed me was that my daughter didn't seem particularly alarmed by the whole concept. I'm not naive enough to think that she could care less if we stay together or not, but it was certainly a surprise that she was so easily able to accept the fact that sometimes parents just don't stay together. I guess that sometimes I don't give my daughter enough credit for how smart she is.