firstwivesworld - Boys Behaving Badly - Comments

Boys behaving badly

elainemarleneforbes — Fri, 16 May 2008 22:39:30 -0400

Faith Eggers resistance to the advice she is being given is well placed. Not that I have the answers but I have deal with this. When my now 26 year old son was about 20 months old he started hitting the three adults in his life: myself, his father and our nanny. The three of us took different approaches. My (then) husband would hit him back, our nanny would pretend to cry and tell him how much he had hurt her, I would simply put him down if I was carrying him. I might say matter of factly I don't like it when you hit me. If we were in a public place I would ignore it. He stopped hitting in a few days or so I thought. A couple of weeks later the nanny said that she was worried about his hitting.. I said " oh I forgot about that I had thought he stopped.+ My husband said "Are you kidding it is getting worse." A month or so later my husband brought it up again and said "I just don't know what to do about Joey {not real name) hitting problem. The nanny said she had not noted him doing it anymore. After those first few days he never hit me again. The hitting escalated with my husband as did his retalitaion until my son was afraid of being seriously hurt and stopped. To me the evidence was clear. Just refusing to reward the bad conduct and or ignoring it along with a matter of fact statement that I didn' tlike it worked the quickest. The crying and appealing to his empathy worked a bit slower. The physical retaliation worked the poorest. Today my son and his father have a cordial relationship but they see each other for dinner at a family restuarant. maybe 4 times a year. All family events are with my family. He lives with me. He works in the film industry - and therefore has periods of unemploymnet - nnd when he is not working he works in my office. My friends dote on him and try to set him up with their daughters. Our next son was more aggressive. He started hitting at nine months and biting at 11 months. We took the same approaches. None of the three strategies worked as quickly. I added both my strategy and the nannies strategy. This was effective in a few weeks. He never tried to hurt me again after he was about 13 months. The violence between the child and father became less frequent but did not stop until my son said at 12 and reached his father's size "You think you can take me old man go ahead" The father backed off. There was a truce for two years when he said something particularly nasty to my husband, which ended in physical fight. My son required stiitches but told the doctors it was his brother who hurt him. Oddly the father and the son are quite close now, but the father is overly solicitous. Running out if the son says he needs cigarettes. === but this son has not been able to hold a job although he is now doing well in university. He is a very aggressive young man but fortunately not physically violent. Not all children show this level of aggression. In my family of origin I have one brother who was very aggressive. My parents simply ignored him much to the dismay of his siblings but he did get involved in sports which was an outlet and he was fine. He is a quiet man now that loves to cook and garden. Violence only begats violence, and I believe forcing children to sit in the corner or embarassing or humiliating them is also violence of a slightly less degree. A few children do show some aggression and some a high level of aggression. Simply not rewarding it and providing other avenues is the best strategy.

Setting limits

Guest — Fri, 16 May 2008 06:52:47 -0400

I abhored the time out chair method of discipline. When my oldest daughter was little I'd try to put her in that time out chair. She refused to sit there, and kept jumping out of it and running to the door of her room and arguing with me (she was perhaps 2 - 21/2yo). I was a young mom, and though I had to show her who was boss, and so I tried to forcibly keep her in that chair and she kept fighting back. Finally I gave up -- the only way I could have kept her in that chair was to tie her down and I was not going to abuse my child. So yes, she won, ultimately, she never did sit in that time out chair. She is now a gentle, intelligent, 3.9 GPA science major finishing up her junior year and thinking about medical school. I just don't think physical force is the way to go, and since I was fortune to a kid grow into a great adult, I can say for certain that the absence of physical force does not necessarily result in an undisciplined adult. Maybe the answer is to stay strong and positive and tell him or show him that it hurts until he gets the message.

ha!

Faith Eggers — Thu, 15 May 2008 18:41:38 -0400

I figured that I'd get some comment in regards to that comment from moms that had teenagers! Yeah, I don't know what its like to have a teenager -- I know that I'll soon find out -- I was strictly speaking in terms of a young child. I think its important to teach them boundaries and respect early on in life, therefore I don't believe that hitting them is a good idea. Glad to hear its normal behavior though! Thanks

little boys

Guest — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:07:29 -0400

Wow..that is all old school advice. At 16 months, biting is not that odd a behavior. With biting I would reminding my kids (now 8yr boy and 5yr girl) that teeth were for food and ask if he was hungry. Often times with my son, I think the biting was a lack of verbal skills esp. when he was a bit older then your son. Another tactic is rather than saying ouch (they like that) is to say that hurt and walk away. Over all he wants your attention and if that is what you are taking away when he hurts you, he is learning a positive cause and effect lesson. With regards to the hair pulling I would suggest distraction there. Maybe you could ask if he wants to brush Mama’s hair and then re-enforce for nice behavior with lots of ohhs & awes, that feels nice. For one more thought, you may want to use some baby sign language if he is slow on developing his vocabulary (like most boys). It really helped as my kids got too upset to use their words at times.

"I believe that if you treat

Cathy Meyer — Thu, 15 May 2008 12:42:12 -0400

"I believe that if you treat children with respect they will respect you back." I had to laugh when I read that. I used to have the same belief. Right up until my youngest hit 13. Luckily you've got a few more years before he shows that adolescent disrespect. My suggestion is that you tell him "NO." When he reaches for your hair, grab his hand and tell him sternly with a furrowed brow..."NO, That IS NOT NICE." When my boys were younger a stern voice and angry look would stop them in their tracks. Do the same thing with the biting and smacking. It sounds to me that it isn't the activity that he enjoys but the reaction he gets from you. It's that word, "ouch" that floats his boat. Replace the ouch with something less pleasant and he will probably lose interest in the biting, hair pulling and smacking. Oh, just so you will know my boys did the same sort of stuff at that age. It is normal 16 month old behavior.

Boys Behaving Badly

Faith Eggers — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:30:28 -0400

My sweet little boy is getting a teensy bit aggressive these days and suddenly I find that I am being bombarded with all sorts of advice that I don't want to accept.

For example, Adrian has started pulling hair. But not any hair, just my hair, and it hurts! He'll yank my hair — hard — and when I shout "Ouch!" he laughs and laughs and laughs. It has been suggested that I pull his hair in retaliation, "show him what it feels like," they say. Ummmm, no thank you.

One of Adrian's other favorite things to do to me is to bite. Again, he'll just come over to me, bite me, and laugh like crazy when I say "Ouch!" And those new teeth are sharp! It has been suggested that I bite him back. "Only way to stop a biter," they say.

And yet another one of his "new tricks" is smacking me. This one doesn't happen as often and usually only when I'm sleeping, but still....

I took him to the doctor last week for a physical. The doctor that we usually see was out, so we had to see the physician's assistant. While we were there he asked me if there had been any changes in his behavior. I said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, there has," and told him what I just told you all.

He said that I need to put him in a time-out chair whenever he does any of these things. I explained that I had tried that but that Adrian will just get up; he doesn't understand that he is supposed to stay there — he's only 16 months old. I told him that rather than using the chair, I use the playpen.