firstwivesworld - In the Beginning: Sex - Comments

Thanks Faith! You got me

Maya Halpen — Sun, 11 May 2008 00:29:14 -0400

Thanks Faith! You got me right. Not blaming anyone but myself: I regret that I didn't have the strength to avoid getting involved giving the circumstances. It was like pulling teeth to get Rob -- a complex person with his own particular issues -- to pay attention to me as a full person, not just a sexual partner. Both men and women can have issues/interests/personalities that can put them in a place similar to Rob's where he was capable of only a certain kind of connection. It is what it is, and I look back and think I might have dealt with it differently. It's tough to admit a mid-step or share a regret. Thanks for hearing what I was getting at.

Blaming men?

Faith Eggers — Fri, 09 May 2008 09:35:42 -0400

I don't really think Maya is "blaming men" here at at all. The last sentence pretty much indicates to me that if she were "blaming" anyone, she would be blaming herself. I also don't believe that this is a man / woman thing. I think that there are a lot of *people* that never change, men and women alike. I also think that *people* are complex by nature. I"m right there with you Maya, I wonder how things would have turned out if I had gone with my gut (which actually had me saying outloud "what the hell are you doing", as I was leaving Levis house) and walked away. Things would be much different -- for both Levi and I. We can't change the past. So instead of focusing on that (because if I focused on that all the time, I'd have bruises from all of the kicking myself that I'd be doing), I try to focus on other things. Things like:, what have I learned from this relationship? I've learned plenty about myself, I'm sure you have too. Life is a learning expierence, for all people.

One night stand

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 12:40:46 -0400

Keep in mind men rarely change - sex, food, sports, kid activities, and work. They are pretty straight forward creatures. The sooner we realize this fact and stop exchanging our self worth for the fear of being alone, the healthier our relationships and marriages will be. We should stop blaming men for our complex nature and start making better choices and situations.

In the Beginning: Sex

Maya Halpen — Thu, 08 May 2008 12:22:34 -0400

I've been thinking about Rob's and my past a lot lately. Dating him was fun.

He was a great comfort, maybe because he presented solutions to my biggest problems. I felt isolated and a bit depressed; he helped strengthen my connection to mutual friends. I was living paycheck to paycheck; he fronted me cash when things got tight. I craved a love connection; he was available, and horny as hell.

Indeed, before dating, in the very beginning, what is now a quagmire was just pure and simple lust.

Rob was in the midst of a rash of one-night stands when we hooked up. I didn't know this, and expected a repeat performance. He complied, but it didn't evolve quickly enough for me.

Rather than building a connection, we just sort of repeated the one-night stand. I tired of meeting for what was only pre-sex drinks. "Whoa," I said, and announced I was done unless we added dinner or a movie to the agenda. He balked, and I figured that was the end of it.

Instead, Rob called a few days later to ask me out to a movie. He was probably just giving me what I wanted so he could get an easy fix. (He says he doesn't remember.)

In any case, I so desperately sought validation then that I took his invitation as a declaration of intention. He heard me, I thought. I had been deemed worthy of attention beyond the bedroom. We started dating.

Of course, dating gave way to marriage, and along the way the sex waned and now we have none at all. What is a confused marriage could have been a cherished memory of a fun fling, no strings attached.

I wonder if my self-love were enough back then, would I not have caved to his too-little, too-late attention, and would I have left it at that?