firstwivesworld - I Am Not Without Blame - Comments

Megan has won back her credibility

Guest — Fri, 09 May 2008 10:44:53 -0400

With me, that is. So good to read a rational essay on the origins of marital problems on this site. i've attacked some of the man bashing comments on this site not to anger bloggers but to provide some balance for those here who may still be hoping to save their marriage. Counselours will tell you, to fix any problem with another person, fix what you've done wrong first and if the other doesn't follow suit you have the answer . they stopped caring about you. but if a man is faced with the loss of his marriage and spends a YEAR as a changed man- doing his best to fix his shortcomings - then you have his answer and the answer is that HE STILL LOVES YOU and he wants to keep him. good job meagan.

I can understand I'm in the

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:05:17 -0400

I can understand I'm in the same position, a changed man that I refuse to give another chance to - you obvioisly have anger and resentment to still work through. In my case I'm angry that he created a situation where I would have to find some way to turn myself inside out in order to keep my family together. Seems like two choices sometimes, find a way to live with my negative feelings for him and keep my family together or break my family apart because I can't imagine being able to live that way. I don't seem ready for forgivemness and you don't either. is he going to counseling with you? if not I would seriously question how much he really has changed. Why won't he?

I Am Not Without Blame

Megan Thomas — Tue, 06 May 2008 12:17:57 -0400

A comment from previous post got me thinking about something that I need to clarify: If I ever gave the impression that I am without blame in the problems within my marriage, it was not intentional. If anything, I carry a huge burden on my shoulders and in my heart because of the things I did (or didn't do, but should have) that may have contributed to our problems.

I can be critical of my husband. Oftentimes I bring my experiences with my father into what I expect from my husband. My dad was often unemployed and relatively lazy, and sometimes I expect my husband to fall into similar patterns if he doesn't stay exactly on track.

I do not do well taking a backseat to things. I want to be involved in every major decision, and I think that sometimes this may make my husband feel as though I don't allow him to wear the metaphorical pants in the family.

When things started getting rough between my husband and me, I turned toward my work instead of forcing the issue. Maybe if I had persisted in aggressively fixing things, we wouldn't be in the spot we're in now.

I have a hard time forgiving him for the stuff he has put me through. If I could just get over it, I think we could just be a happy little family.

I readily admit all these things. There has never been a time when I considered myself blameless in this whole mess. I refuse to accept that it's all my fault, though. I think we're both to blame in one way or another, and that's why I was so adamant that we needed to be in therapy together.

In other words, we made this mess together, so we might as well try to solve it together.

If I ever made anyone think that every single bit of marital problems we have are all because of my husband, then I wasn't getting my point across very well.