firstwivesworld - Affairs: One Heated Topic - Comments

As my brother says...

Wanda Woodard — Thu, 08 May 2008 14:57:24 -0400

...And he and his wife just celebrated their 29th(?) anniversary - "I would never have an affair. If I fell out of love with Linda, then I'd tell her that and we'd divorce. I won't sleep with someone else while I'm in love with my wife." I think people get bored, feel neglected, get "itchy" and want a change. Instead of looking inward and turning inward towards their mate, they look out there somewhere hoping to find "it," whatever the "it" is for them.

Just because it was sex . . .

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 11:12:10 -0400

Sex is sex. It all depends on our perspective/belief of what it means at the time. Like Julie stated, people have sex with strangers and it means nothing. On the other end, there are people who have sex with their partners most nights and are considered to have a good marriage, but still engage in affairs. Thus, WHY do we still focus mainly on the relationship as the cause for the affair? A person's approach and beliefs about sex and affairs are a reflection of themselves at the deepest spiritual, emotional, and physical levels. No one perspective is "better" than the other, but is has more to do with what actions and thoughts serve our highest selves or are continually self-sabotaging the very types of lives we want. Someone having an affair is truly lacking something inside themselves to deal with why they are choosing that behavior and what need they are seeking to be fulfilled (which is most often not about fulfilling a sexual need, even though it looks like it on the outside). In each moment and in the end, the only place that we can really change in dramatic ways in within ourselves which will then shift those things outside of ourselves. It is time for people to turn the finger around and point it back to themselves. Not to induce guilt, shame, anger, etc. at themselves because that only results in depression. Rather, we then take ownership of not only how we approach our lives, but what we make others' words and actions mean about us, influence our own dynamic in life, and the choices we make. If more of us did that, more people would not have affairs, there would be many more healthier, life-affirming relationships, and those that are cheated on would be able move deeper and better through the healing process, coming out the other side viewing the situation as one of the best things that ever happened. I truly speak from experience.

Symptom

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 07:09:11 -0400

It doesn't always say something about the person having the affair. It is a symptom of problems in the relationship, not with one person. And let's be honest, how many people would be rationtal if their partner came to them with "I want to explore"?

Yes, I agree that each

Guest — Tue, 06 May 2008 10:23:21 -0400

Yes, I agree that each situation is different, but when you commit to a person, I believe you should honor that- and if an affair seems like a solution, then I urge that person to be honest with themselves and their partner and get to the root of why you would want to have sex with someone other than the person you promised to love, respect, and honor. It seems to me that if a person considers an affair, then there is a deeper issue within the relationship. Now, if you are not in a committed relationship, then I believe you can sleep with whoever the hell you want- and good on you for having a good time... but when a relationship is involved, I'm sorry, call me old-fashioned in this, but why the hell would you choose to go down that road? Grow up and deal with the issues at hand. Easier said than done? Yep. Absolutely. CM

Affairs

Guest — Mon, 05 May 2008 21:58:01 -0400

What about the marriage committment? Don't we owe it to all young people to hold themselves to a higher standard. If we accept an affair, then the committmentmeans nothing. In a society where everything is disposable shouldn't our relationships be the one thing that is solid and special. If you are in a relationship and want to explore you should be honest with your partner and say so. This would be the right wat to handle it. The person being cheated on should not always be the last to know. Doesn't that say something about the person cheating? After all, that why it' called CHEATING!

Affairs: One Heated Topic

JulieSavard — Mon, 05 May 2008 12:00:21 -0400

I wrote about a couple facing a breakup because of an affair, and it seems that affairs are hot topics on divorce sites — um, as they should be.

I don't think having an affair is a "right" thing to do. I think it is a surmountable obstacle and one that couples can overcome. I don't believe that an affair is a henchman's axe dropping down to sever relationships completely. An affair doesn't always mean that someone doesn't love you and wanted to hurt you.

I thought over how I felt about sex and love. I think the two are related, yes. When I love someone, I tend to have sex with that person. The act is enhanced by the feelings I have.

But I can have sex with someone I don't love. There is no hard and fast rule that says you must have sex with people you love or that sex is symbolic of the love you feel. I think that twining the emotion of love into the act of sex is the problem involved in how we feel about affairs.

I think that an affair is surmountable if you treat it for what it is: a physical act that truly doesn't mean anything unless you make it mean something.

People have sex all the time. People have sex with people they don't love (and sometimes even don't know) every day around the world. Having sex is just an action. It doesn't mean that you feel something for the person you're engaging with. You're just...having sex.

I agree that an affair breaches trust and damages confident that you feel toward the other person. I do think that a couple dealing with the issues of an affair have some serious questions to ask themselves about their relationship.

But I don't think that an affair is a deal-breaker. If you're facing the question of divorce because of an affair, I think that you should treat the affair as a symptom of a problem, not a problem in itself.