firstwivesworld - Tired of Looking for Affirmation - Comments

It is tough, but you have to stop asking

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 10:42:20 -0400

In my healing, I, too, sought out others' opinions, family, friends, therapists, etc., over and over for a year. Then, one day I realized that I asked for others' opinions more often than I did to myself. It was then that I put myself on an "advice" diet. Unless it was critical, I no longer asked for others' advice or shared what action I was planning to take. I just went internally, was quiet for a few seconds or minutes, asked myself "If it did not matter what others said, thought or did, what decision would I make," and I trusted the answer that came to me right away. It was really hard the first few weeks, but now I am more myself than I have ever been because I not only retrust myself (which I thought I had permanently lost), but my life keeps gaining healthy momentum into the type of life that is really in line with myself. I still share things with family, friends, and my therapist, but it is just that, sharing, not seeking advice unless I really need it. Now I know that if I do seek input from another, I do not replace mine with it, rather, I integrate it as it as needed. If it serves me, great. If it does not, I let it fall away.

I think as women we innately

Guest — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:01:13 -0400

I think as women we innately want to be appreciated and yet we question our choices and decisions when others don't agree. I think it comes down to trusting your own instincts- allowing others to have their opinions when asked, and go with what your heart and soul tells you, regardless of what you think others will think of you or how they will react to your choices. It's difficult, but remember that you are never going to please everyone and that's okay. CM

Tired of Looking for Affirmation

Megan Thomas — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:00:43 -0400

There are a lot of men in my life who are telling me what to do.

I didn't realize it until recently. I was driving home from a session with my therapist and I started to wonder why I sought his approval so much. I mean, it's great that he's there for me to unload all my problems on, but it wasn't until that drive home that a light bulb came on in my head and I realized that just about everything my therapist says, I take to heart.

When he agrees with something I say, I'm pleased. When he disagrees with something I say, I start to wonder what I can do to fix my way of thinking.

I look for approval from my pastor a lot, too. We'll have conversations where a lot of the time my sentences end with, "...don't you think so?" or "...but what do you think?" Then when he tells me what he thinks, I mull it over for quite some time.

I look for approval from my husband. Even though he wholly ignores my writing I still mention some of my new jobs to him once in a while, hoping that he'll take a look on his own and tell me what he thinks. When something happens that I'm proud of — paying off a bill, getting a big project around the house finished, or whatever other good things I may do — I hope that my husband will give me a pat on the back for it.

How did I get so needy? It's not like I had an absent father growing up or anything like that. Is this something that most women just innately do?

When I was readying myself to leave my husband, all I really wanted was for someone to tell me it was the right decision. When my pastor told me he thought a trial separation might be a good idea, I felt empowered. When my therapist didn't like the idea, I began to rethink the whole thing. When my husband said that he didn't want to separate, it was like the wind was taken out of my sails.

What do I have to do to start thinking for myself?