firstwivesworld - Could You Forgive a Cheating Spouse? - Comments

Affairs

Guest — Mon, 19 May 2008 08:06:06 -0400

I have to say that I appreciate your comments. I just recently found out that my husband was/is having an affair with a woman {still married} with 3 children. We have 2 boys, ages 3 & 4. He spends more time with them than his own. I see his affair as completely selfish and I don't see him ever taking a deeper look at his actions. He has openly told me that he has zero guilt about what he's doing and how he's breaking up our family. It's sickening. I figure I'll be much better down the road after I work through this crap - but I so so so worry about my little boys. They are the true loves of my life and I only want happiness and security for them. This is something I never imagined going through and never thought he'd do to me, us, our family. He never even tried to work through things with me...he just filed for divorce and is MOVING ON! It's awful waking up every day trying to be strong, having to be STRONG and feeling like your going to be sick most of the day. Anyway - thank you for your words. I do believe what you say is true.

There are no vows...

JulieSavard — Fri, 02 May 2008 18:43:22 -0400

Remember that in Quebec, we don't marry (as a rule). There are no vows to break, and it only comes down to respect for each other. So no vows are broken, no one's word isn't good, and affairs do happen. The question is, should you cut the cord so abruptly on what you worked so hard to build? Is there no second chance?

I appreciate the comments

Guest — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:11:24 -0400

I appreciate the comments from this blog- it does bring a different perspective and makes me think. However, I still do believe that if a person actively chooses to be selfish and cheat on their spouse, then something is wrong with that connection. Yes, the catalyst could be drugs, or some kind of addictive behavior, but my point is- if the person cheats, then clearly they have thought about cheating and did not think about the person they would be hurting in the process. Yes, it takes two to tango and cheating on a spouse is obviously an indication that there is something wrong- that still doesn't excuse the behavior in my book. CM

Very interesting

Guest — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 09:38:19 -0400

What an interesting thread. And yes, I fully agree that affairs aren't necessarily reflective of the quality of the marriage/relationship, as much as they are symptomatic of the mindset of the person who cheats. Most people who I know who have cheated would have done so no matter who they were married to, and no matter how well the relationship is going. Like so many other issues, it's something that is brought in to a relationship, not a product of it. Naturally, there are exceptions, but I think most people who cheat had it in them all along. They may have a pattern of cheating, or of never being fulfilled in relationships. That may be of some comfort to those who are cheated upon, but probably not much!

affairs

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:23:57 -0400

Sometimes affairs are not about issues in the marriage. They are clearly about egos.. Some people can just never be monogamist. (hope I spelled that right) If you think that's the kind of spouse you have; you must ask yourself if this is the kind of marriage you can live with. If the marriage means more then what some consider your dignity. Figure out a way to stay in the marriage. Otherwise, plot your exit and get out. Some things never change. My first husband just loved women.. Even in his early sixties he is still looking. Glad I gave him up a long time ago. However, there are those who will choose to stay. Be honest and clear with yourself and then do whats best for you. Dorothy from grammology remember to call garm www.grammology.com

Wow, that's a really different persective.

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:56:56 -0400

Thanks to the person who posted the comment: Affairs Are Much More Than About the Relationship. Your comments ring really true to me and you've given me something big to think about.

Affairs Are Much More Than About the Relationship

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:51:44 -0400

As someone who was cheated on and the reason for my divorce, I do not completely agree. An affair, at the root, really is not about the marriage. It is a person filling a deeper spiritual need and stopping important spiritual growth through an unhealthy and self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of affairs, some people drink too much, gamble too much, play video games too much, spend too much, take too many drugs, etc. But, we do not usually blame those behaviors on a marriage, as we see them as deep personal issues the individual needs to resolve and to learn to use other healthier means to successfully cope with their lives, including their marriages. To be honest, I am really tired of the books and articles title "How to affair proof your marriage." They should really be "How to affair proof yourself," causing each person to dig deeper into themselves as to how they approach relationships and their role in not receiving what they want and need in a relationship, which is often their inability to have a conscious dialogue with their partner about what is truly important to them. Having an affair is a person's easy way out of not dealing with the core of their personal issues with relationships and learning to speak and follow-through with their own truth, even if that truth is to end the relationship. Even though I did not ask for the drama, the other person and the pain that he brought into my life, I have taken 100% responsibility for working through it, discovering patterns of my own behavior that are disempowering and releasing them, and creating a life more fulfilling and fun than I could have imagined. I do agree, however, that it can be immature for someone, like my husband who stated that he would have left instantly if I had an affair, to instantly give up on the relationship without discussion about it. I only tried to work things through, even though I knew it was going to eventually be over, because I wanted to leave the relationship knowing that I did what I could for myself to make sure that I was making the best decision. And, boy did I. I just hope more women who are cheated on know that it really is not about them and the marriage, because sometimes people cheat even in what most would consider great marriages (I know of a few). And, it really is an amazing chance to dig deeper about ourselves, even if he doesn't, and come out the other end more empowered, creative, and dynamic because of it.

an affair is absolutely a

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:34:12 -0400

an affair is absolutely a signal that something is amiss in the relationship. And it's quite simply wrong. Honor the vows you made, and if you can't, seek help or get out. Come on! CM

I think it's a bit more grey

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 13:22:38 -0400

There are so many different situations, circumstances, etc that affect outcomes in cases of cheating partners. Each relationship is different, each person is different. But I do agree entirely with the last paragraph of your blog. I would hate to be in a situation of where I'm being cheated on, and everyone knows but me. Honest, and more importantly, respect, is what will make a relationship last. Thanks for writing and sharing Julie! love your blog. xoxo, sussie

Could You Forgive a Cheating Spouse?

JulieSavard — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 12:00:12 -0400

I found out recently that some friends of mine are breaking up. The woman had an affair — twice.

The first time she cheated on her husband, he accepted her apologies and forgave the breach of promise. The second time was the deal-breaker, and they're in the midst of dividing their belongings and making custody arrangements for their child.

I read once that women are forgiving of an affair. They don't like that it happened, but it seems that women tend to understand the reasons and prefer to hang on to their partner. Men, I read, found an affair a virtual insult and they cast off their spouse more easily.

I could forgive an affair. I'd be hurt and most likely be untrusting for a long, long time. But I could also move past it — I think. I haven't lived that situation and it's hard to say what my reaction might be.

Twice, though? No. If I had a husband and he cheated, I would need to know that the mistake wouldn't happen twice.

I think affairs are simply symptoms that something in the relationship is very wrong. I think an affair means someone just needs someone to provide comfort or affection or...something. A couple facing the issue of an affair needs to treat the illness and mend the wound.

But if that's impossible, then it's time to split up.

I also think there's a level of respect involved in a relationship, even a broken one, that demands people be mature. I know that the attraction to someone else when the fights are raging is pretty easy to slip into, but there's something to be said for being honest.

My ex used to say, "I could understand if you find yourself wanting to be with someone else." After all, he knew there wasn't much love lost between us during the years we spent fighting. "But if you're going to have an affair," he went on, "At least have the respect to let me know before it happens and I'll step out of the way."