firstwivesworld - Therapy Relieves Stress (and Guilt) - Comments

I am a fan of therapy. A

Guest — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 10:19:48 -0400

I am a fan of therapy. A good therapist can be magic in sorting out feelings and thoughts. Good luck. CM

u rock

mymaryjean — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 01:53:07 -0400

First and foremost you have to let go. You are seeing your new life already. When is Maya going to love Maya? I have and am still going through what you are going through. I am a baby to marriage. I have a feeling you are as well. The anxiety may never go. You will heal. If you ever want to talk more let me know.... ..life is painful at times. However, we wouldn't ever crave the wonderful had we not felt the pain....

I'm sorry to hear your

Maya Halpen — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 14:42:21 -0400

I'm sorry to hear your husband wouldn't give it a try. I bet the idea of discussing things you feel guilty about keeps many, many people (including your husband) from therapy. It can be a great relief to speak the truth, particularly if the truth scares you. And it’s incredibly helpful to put the pieces of a story, including each player’s contributions, together. It sounds as if you would really like to be able to do that, but your husband cuts you off at every turn! The one thing I know about therapy is that it won't work unless both parties are willing to participate, so even if you could have gotten him to the office, it might not have been worth that effort. I wish there was a better understanding of various therapeutic processes and their benefits among the general population. I’m so sorry he wouldn’t cooperate, but I wonder if in the end your divorce will bring the opportunity to eventually find a more thoughtful, engaging partner.

i wish i could get my spouse to go

Guest — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 13:56:20 -0400

I'm glad you decided to try "the couch" and that it worked out for you. I hope you'll keep going. I'm not at all into therapy myself, but I thought marriage counseling would certainly be a good thing to try before my husband and I just gave up on our relationship. But my husband won't go, won't even consider it. Part of me thinks that what you describe is one of the reasons he won't go--that he'll have to deal with the fact that he got us here as much as I did. In his mind, I pushed him away, to the point where he had (and lied about) an affair--meaning the affair and the demise of our relationship were caused by me. Sometimes in an effort to get me to stop talking about the relationship, he'll say something like, "OK, it's all my fault, are you happy now?" No, I'm not happy, and neither is he. So now we're just getting divorced. But I think I will be happy again some day, and I hope he will be, too. And I hope we can both learn not to repeat our mistakes in the future. I don't want to dole out the blame, I just want us to have some empathy for each other. Sorry for the long, rambling comment--I think I'm using this site as therapy!

Therapy Relieves Stress (and Guilt)

Maya Halpen — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 09:41:52 -0400

I avoided couples therapy for years, worried I'd be found the villain in the story. After all, I am the one who feels dissatisfied. The recent dearth of sex is due to my disinterest. And while I can no sooner fathom sticking my tongue in his mouth than licking a tiger's butt, Rob says he'd love to make it with me. Ew!

I quietly toyed with the idea leaving, and I brought up the idea of trial separation. I'm the one who dreams of being single and exploring the world anew, with no ring.

I imagine simple luxuries will be more meaningful because I will be affording them (if barely) on my own. My apartment will be humble, but it will be mine — no husband in sight to subsidize fancy meals out, fundraising dinners, or even hardcover paperbacks from the bookstore! (Back to waiting for the paperback releases.)

The way therapy played out, however, I saw how we've equally damaged "us." Petty, but this realization saves me a bit of guilt and stress. And, my care for Rob ever-present despite our troubles, I was relieved to tell him the hurtful details of my side of the story in a safe place where he was supported by a listener who had the protection of his ego in mind perhaps more than I.

We've had only one session, but it was promising. Not because it set our relationship on the road to recovery, but because it revealed a path toward a better us — separate or apart.

If any of you fellow contemplators are similarly avoiding "the couch," I challenge you to reconsider.