firstwivesworld - Dreading The Romantic Weekend - Comments

Your first obligation is to

Cathy Meyer — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 18:41:07 -0400

Your first obligation is to yourself sweetie. You can't be a good wife to him or anyone else until you learn to take care of your own needs first. You can't be happy at all until you get rid of the skewed idea that you are obligated to have sex with him...to make life a little easier on him. At certain times we have to be selfish and there are virtues to be had from putting our needs first. Try it, it might make your life a little easier :-)

Further proof I don't know what I'm doing.

Megan Thomas — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 15:19:16 -0400

I tried the "I'm not going to have sex until we figure out our intimacy issues" thing for about two months, but I couldn't get past the idea in my head that I was denying him a simple thing that - although unpleasant for me - made his life a little easier. Why do we do this to ourselves? For me, it's a sense of obligation that I can't shake. On the other hand, I know you are both absolutely right.

Are you really willing to do

Cathy Meyer — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 14:18:37 -0400

Are you really willing to do whatever you need to do to save your marriage? If so, do what Elaina suggests and get honest with your husband and with yourself. Allowing someone to do their "business" while you just lay there is not working on a marriage. That is throwing more roadblocks up and adding layers to the resentment you already feel. You aren't being fair to him or yourself by continuing to be intimate with someone you don't have an intimate connection with. Also, if the retreat is the one I'm thinking about, there is nothing romantic about it.

why do we do this to

Elaina Goodman — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 11:26:48 -0400

why do we do this to ourselves? have sex out of obligation when we are dreading it. I wonder, if the goal is TRULY to save the marriage, isn't the better path to lay it all out there and say, sorry but I'm not into it right now. I can't be physically intimate with you when I don't feel intimacy in any other area of our relationship. If I were to have sex with you now, the feelings surrounding it would undermine all the other hard work we're doing to strengthen this relationship.

Dreading The Romantic Weekend

Megan Thomas — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 10:00:00 -0400

My husband wants to go to a marriage retreat. It's for a full weekend, so we would have to leave the kids with someone else and then make the drive five hours to the retreat location. I don't like the idea of leaving my kids with someone else — especially since we don't have any family nearby — but as I keep saying, I'm willing to do whatever I need to in an attempt to save the marriage.

He's inquiring about availability now. I've talked to some couples who have gone to this same retreat and they all sing praises about the program. Apparently this particular program has saved many a marriage and lit sparks under others that weren't troubled but were bordering on stale. Could this be the thing that saves our marriage?

To be honest with you, the very first thought that entered my head when he brought up the idea was, "Damn it, he's going to want to have sex with me." I can see it now...we're away from the kids, away from work, and we're staying in a hotel room. He will think this translates into romance, while I automatically think about how great it will be to sleep without keeping one ear poised to listen for the kids. Ask me if a weekend in a hotel with my husband appeals to me right now, and I'll admit to you that no, it doesn't, not really.

Yes, we still have sex here at home, but it's usually him doing his business while I lay there and wait for him to finish. Take this to a hotel and he'll be expecting me to be all into the act, having a great time and really whooping it up.

It seems to me that a change in environment won't change the things that are stopping me from being truly intimate with my husband, but I know I'll feel compelled to oblige him with at least some physical intimacy.

Wouldn't it be great if these retreats offered separate rooms until other issues were resolved? I'd go to that one for sure.