Explaining the Divorce to Your Teen

M. Gary Neuman — Mon, 17 Mar 2008 14:51:09 -0700

A child's teen years are like a mid-life crisis. He wants autonomy, yet craves acceptance. Add divorce and this emotional rollercoaster gets even bumpier.

This last chapter of our exclusive firstwivesworld series, Your Child is Not a Statistic, will help you balance your 13- to 17-year-old's kid-like needs and adult aspirations. Remember, although it will seem far from obvious at times, your teen still need his parents — he just needs you differently. When your teenager experiences divorce, you play a significant role in how she deals with it. No matter how mature she seems, you should:

•Resist any temptation to regard her as a grown up and include her in your adult problems.

•Know that most teens — 71% according to a Gallup poll — believe their parents should have tried harder to save their marriage.

•Understand that teenagers will likely not only take sides, but try to exploit their parents' weaknesses.

•Be on the lookout for hidden signs of withdrawal and depression.

Here are some tips that can make it easier to explain divorce to your 13- to 17-year-old:

What is divorce?

"Divorce is a legal process that parents go through when they no longer want to be married because they are no longer happy together anymore and have hurt each other too much. It means that we will no longer be married to each other, but we will always be your parents."

Why did it happen?

Some possibilities include:

"There are many reasons why. And it's not the specific items we argued about, but the whole way we approached things. You may have heard us argue about [fill in the blank]. But those weren't the real problems. Many couples don't see eye to eye. But it's all about the attitude you take toward one another, especially when you disagree."

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Explaining the Divorce to Your Teen