Surviving an abusive long-term marriage

mayabella — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 03:34:40 -0400

For me it was 27 years of marriage and just as many of abuse. It started gently - as gently as abuse could start. Words. Names. The odd comment. Then the push, then more words - culminating (for me) in not-too-many bruises but constant slurs, put-downs and degradation. I had a nickname that each of my children heard but knew instinctively to never say out loud. I remember my youngest asking me what a c*nt was and I told him that he needed to ask his father - but if I ever heard that word come out of his mouth, I'd wash it out with chili.

When my friend decided that my partner looked good for her, he was out the door in a flash. The fact that there were four children to be considered was too much for them to put together so they fell by the wayside. I have to admit that I hurt, far more than I had ever imagined I would. After all of those prayers begging for a release from that unholiest of relationships, this one was NOT the answer that I had been praying for. I gathered my three children close to me and braved that cold new world.

So nine years later I find myself a much stronger, much happier woman. I can honestly say that there is not one thing that I would prefer to be doing with him. Not one. I am grateful for the fact that my friend was in truth - a bimbo - and that she is stuck with him now. I am grateful for my resiliance in my gradual rebounding into life again. I am sorry that I do not live in a more single male-populated area but thems the breaks. I have my girlfriends and my life looks pretty rosy from here.

When it first happened to me, an old friend said that he had heard it took a quarter of the time of the relationship before I would probably be healed. Nine years ago, the thought that it would be seven years before I stopped hurting when I'd hear his name - seemed like forever - but it is pretty close. Now it doesn't matter. Then - it felt like bumping up against a bad bruise, now - what bruise?

Just hang in there. Find your friends and DO NOT look for a replacement until you KNOW that this is the right thing to do. Who needs another handbrake when you are coasting through your life? Take your time, stop and smell the roses - you are not being abused anymore - not without your permission - so take the time to find out who you are. Don't give in to loneliness - volunteer your time somewhere. Do something - go back to school - read books, join a book club. Get busy - this is YOUR time to live. Love your life.

love from mayabella

Common Thread

Guest — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 10:37:23 -0400

In spite of all of our differences the one thing remains the same and that is that pain and hurt and healing joines us all together as one..Kelly

Congratulations...

Guest — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 09:26:37 -0400

You're helping to many women out there and you should be proud.

Toni

A Grateful Reader Writes

Katherine McKee — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 08:06:29 -0400

At First Wives World, we're creating a community for you to find support, resources and entertainment. Our community is being built one brick at a time —virtually of course!

We received a note from a reader the other day that reaffirmed why we're building this community. The reader, I'll call her Dana, shared that she was divorced in June after 35 years of marriage and years of abuse. She was overwhelmed by her feelings and her three grown sons were having a hard time with the situation even though they had advised her to leave the marriage.

Dana's experience reflects many of yours. The last part of her note really hit us hard: "So here I sit, 56-years-old, trying to deal with and work through all this. I do not regret filing for divorce, I just was not ready for how deep the pain runs. This site is a Godsend!!!" We certainly hope it is for you too.

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Surviving an abusive long-term marriage

Common Thread

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A Grateful Reader Writes